Being an authority on pumpkin carving,  I thought I would instruct you people on how to properly carve a pumpkin.  

 

Step 1:

Get yourself a pumpkin.  Your pumpkin should be big, but not so big that you cannot pick it up.  If at all possible, have your spouse go pumpkin shopping to be sure you will have a pumpkin that cannot stand right-side up, so that you will have to turn it upside down to carve.  BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I DO IT.

Place pumpkin atop newspaper (this is just for show, as you will get pumpkin guts on the table and probably on the floor).

 

 

 Step 2:

If you have children, have them draw pictures of what they would like the pumpkin to look like and have a vote.  It is up to you if you would like to kick the non-winner off the island.

As you can see, the oldest child won — kitty pumpkin it is.

 

 

 

 

 Step 3:

Cut top off pumpkin and place to the side.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Step 4:

Gut pumpkin with large spoon.  Scrape the inner walls of the pumpkin well.  

If you have children, have them remove the pumpkin guts, you don't want to touch that slimy stuff.  It's gross.

 

 

 

 

 

Step 5:

Assemble the tools you will need for carving (really, you should have done this earlier, but you aren't perfect).

– serrated knife

– paring knife 

– marker

Draw a face on your pumpkin.

 

 

Step 6:

Use your serrated knife for making the large cuts.  Once the large sections are cut out, go back with your paring knife to even your cuts and to make small cuts, such as the ones around the eyes.  Save the removed sections to cut ears, or do as I did and use the bottom, I mean TOP because I'm not using it anyway.

Use toothpicks to attach ears to your kitty pumpkin's head (for some reason we had plastic toothpicks – how weird is that?) and for the whiskers.

 

 

Step 7:

Use your paring knife to shave off the pumpkin skin on ears and pupils for dimension.  

Super Secret Tip: spray your pumpkin with Pam and rub with a paper towel to make it nice and shiny!

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulations!  

You have carved yourself a pumpkin.  Place a votive or Christmas lights inside and put it on your porch for Halloween to greet trick or treaters.  

Now, wasn't that fun?  

 

Happy Halloween!

Kerry

 

 

 

 

 

I can think of no better way to wish all the moms out there a happy Mother's Day than with the musical stylings of Mr. T.  

I hope you are treated right this Mother's Day.  You deserve it, even Mr. T knows.

 Don't say The Kerry Blog isn't a place of learning.

I'd like to take a moment to wish Barack and the former presidents a happy President's Day.  

Shortly after this photo was taken, the ex-presidents sprang into action on direct orders from Barack to hunt down Al Gore and kick his ass over this global warming mess and to save a kitty stuck in a tree somewhere in Illinois.  Gore was never heard from again.  Clinton took his Grammy.

The holiday of my people!

I saw this, laughed like a fool, and spilled coffee all over my shirt. Luckily, I have many shirts and more coffee.

I use the word love quite a bit.  I know that I do this.  At times I've tried to cut back on it, but nothing is usually as appropriate as love.  It's not like hate.  Instead of hate, I often say loathe or detest or Celine Dion.  But love is, well,  love.  

So, I thought — it being Valentine's Day and all, I'd make a list of things and people and stuff I love.  

I love…

good music

lolcats

the hubs

Thin Mint cookies

the great indoors

Apple's Magic Mouse

writing

mary janes

Ben Folds

Almond Joys

giving gifts

Macs

the kiddos

Cary Grant movies

Louisiana

Atlanta 

Dallas

Beth, Megan, Melissa, Stacy, and AB

RuPaul's Drag Race

"commanding salt and pepper types"

dreaded sunny days

taking pictures of stupid things

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

The Beatles

my iPhone

BFFs

sweet tea

long drives

long talks

coffee coffee coffee

the creative process

sushi

L'Oreal lipstick in Cinnamon Toast

rubies

cheese enchiladas 

pink

brown

gray

babies

silver earrings

the smiths

R.E.M.

fonts

Pretty in Pink

grandparents

Vera Wang Flower Princess perfume

jean jackets

mixed tapes

typewriters

baby giggles

hugs

Natalie Merchant

Pottery Barn quilts

slippers

"Goody Two Shoes"

Scrabble

Trivial Pursuit

yoga pants

Amazon.com

my Privo shoes

'80s post-punk British bands

pens and notebooks

good memories of special people

chatting on Facebook with friends

creme brule

documentaries

Project Runway

"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Elliot

quiet

perfect iTunes playlists

mint chocolate chip ice cream

making someone laugh

Andrew McCarthy

Sundays

Love Actually

greeting cards

You've Got Mail

stars

my house

good books

great friends

my readers

and love.

Happy Valentine's Day.  

The hubs sent me pink roses, but if he sent this…this is love.

I hate the thought of getting stuffed animals as an adult, but this is all kind of awesome.  I had to email it to a few of my friends and they loved it.  My friend LB's fiance was inspired by the bear and ordered her a cake for Valentine's Day, but the bakery wouldn't write profanity on the cake.  What kind of effing bakery won't write profanity on a cake?  This is Valentine's Day for crying out loud!  Here's the cake.  

Good job, Bill!  You win 100 million interwebs dollaroonies! *

* interwebs dollaroonies have no actual value.  

I'm not in a great mood, so forgive me.

In case you're trapped in all weekend because of Blizzardtastrophe 2010 and can't make it to Hallmark to get a card for your Valentine, here are a few cards I made — suitable for printing!

Thought I'd start with a classy card. Satin= classy.  

Seriously.  And I could just be speaking for myself here, but red roses suck and remind me of death.  Not that there is anything wrong with them if they're your fave or whatevs.  Maybe you like that single red rose with the fake dew crap on it or the gold on the petals.  Who am I to judge?  Nothing says "I love you" like an iTunes giftcard, in my opinion.  

 

You know how certain clothing items just sorta "disappear"?  Yeah.  Have I told y'all the story about the "misunderstanding" with the hubs' la-z-boy recliner and one of our movers once?  Things just "disappear" sometimes.  Odd.  

  I do have a mirror.  I don't need you to tell me.  Now, be a doll and peel me a grape, houseboy.