Category: funny

the costume to end all costumes

Halloween is next Friday for those of you without a calendar.

I’ve been talking about costumes all month and how 1) can’t find one to go with the theme the kids have going, 2) doesn’t look like I should be serving up drinks at Oktoberfest, and 3) doesn’t look like somewhere a pole is missing a stripper.  So, it should come to no surprise that I’ve had to come up with my own costume.  As you know, necessity is the mother of invention.  Not that I’m an inventor, but I’ve seen Back to the Future many times and I’m a devoted follower of Project Runway, so I figure I’m ahead of the curve on this one.  I’ve been thinking about the costume for a week and I’ve worked for at least 15 minutes on this, so you know it’s quality.  Friends, without further ado, I give you Wellbutrina.

Wellbutrina is a fairy who is medicated and motivated.  The costume comes with the wings, dress, and 30 day supply of Wellbutrin.  She is a supercute fairy who gives a much needed boost to mothers of young children all over the earth.  Wellbutrina is a mood-enhancing fairy and you should consult your doctor before ordering this costume.

Caution:  Wellbutrina may cause you to forget your cares and should not be used by people with low stress levels.  Wellbutrina cannot fly and you should not try to fly while wearing this costume.  You should not wear this costume if you are on other medications as Wellbutrina may interfere with you medications you are taking.  Do not wear this costume if you are pregnant, may become pregnant, or are nursing (but you know you’re going to need to call on Wellbutrina soon ’cause lemme tell you, motherhood is not for the weak and there’s only so much Max and Ruby you can take before you shoot out the television like Elvis did).

I do have to say I look pretty smokin’ in the costume.  And yes, I do wear heels like that around the house everyday, well, except on Thursdays when my tiara is out being polished.

things that keep me up at night

There are things in this world that keep me up at night and I thought maybe if I put wrote some of them down I’ll be able to sleep tonight.  I’ve had insomnia off and on since I was a teen and although I’ve seen a lot of great cable tv (shout out to 120 minutes on MTV) and infomercials over the years, I would prefer sleep over most of them.  Most.  Except maybe the Shark Steamer.  I had to get one after I saw that thing get junk off the floor  Dude, it got dried-up grape jelly off the kitchen tile.  I’m a sucker for cleaning products and other things.  And there are a few infomercials that crack me up, the Craft Lite Cutter shows just how difficult it is to cut a straight line.  I never knew what a problem it was to cut things without the aid of light, as I do not commonly craft in the dark.  I think maybe the Craft Lite Cutter is made for crafty vampires who have to scrapbook at night.  They scrapbook, you know, vampires.  It’s calming, kind of like knitting.  Ask Anne Rice.  See, that’s the kind of stuff that keeps me awake.  Here’s something that’s been bothering me lately, maybe you can relate, probably not, but we’ll see:

I often contemplate how I could work into conversation  with the McDonald’s drive-thru chick in the mere moments I have while she’s giving me back change for a happy meal that maybe she should move to another position at Mickey D’s.  The big “Bitch” tattoo with swirlies around it on her neck is a little off-putting to customers.  Just a little.  And it’s only a matter of time before Katie asks what b-i-t-c-h spells.  Not that she hasn’t heard it when I’ve stubbed my toe or tripped on the stairs, because I am, by nature clumsy as hell.  Call me old-fashioned though, I don’t do tattoos.  But if I were to get tattooed (and considering I don’t drink, that’s not going to happen), I’d get this:

I looked up “bad ass” in the dictionary and it read: Patrick Swayze and centaurs.  So there you go.  Oh, and I just like rainbows.  They’re pretty.

Other things that keep me awake are less worrisome.  The whole Halloween costume thing has me up tonight, looking for the perfect costume online.  The girls are going to be fairies and Andrew’s going to be Peter Pan, so I want to coordinate.  So, I asked Scott if I could get him the Captain Hook costume and he said no.  He wants to wear the Fred Flintstone costume I made for him years ago.  That doesn’t go with Peter Pan.  And am I supposed to be Wilma?  I know I have red hair, but come on.  Really.  That’s not going to happen.  Plus, I’m more of a Betty than Wilma.  Everyone knows that.

Damn, it’s after midnight.  This stuff kept me up anyway.  There’s no hope.  If anyone’s reading this and you’re up late, well, go to sleep.  I wish you the sweetest of dreams.  Dreams of rainbows and cotton candy and Patrick Swayze riding a unicorn through a field of lavender to the tune of “She’s Like the Wind” from Dirty Dancing being played by Zamfir on his pan flute, who is also riding a unicorn.  And the whole thing is being painted by Bob Ross, who is painting little happy trees behind Patrick Swayze with chocolate waterfalls and intertwining rainbows of happiness and joy and love.  nighty night, peeps.

I am so getting this

NEWSFLASH: I FOUND THE GANGSTA RAP COLORING BOOK ON AMAZON.COM!!!!!!!!!

I hate all caps, but this is totally necessary, ’cause I’m keepin’ it gangsta, white-girl style.

It takes so little to make me happy.  I think this is the perfect Christmas gift for those hard to buy for people in your life.  Why give an iTunes gift card when you can give the gift that keeps on giving: the Gangsta Rap Coloring Book. My good friends should cross this little gem off their Christmas list, ’cause I just ordered 15 of them.  Don’t worry, I get free shipping with Amazon Prime.  I may throw in some scented crayons, too.

You’re welcome.

late night drunk emailing, youbetcha

This is just genius.  The good folks at Google have a new feature on Gmail to help you from this millennium’s version of drunk-dialing, drunk emailing.  It operates late at night on weekends when people are more likely to be emailing after consuming large amounts of liquor.  Mail Goggles asks you math questions and if you answer correctly, the email goes through.  If not it suggests you go to bed.

I’m not so sure I would be able to answer a series of math problems late at night (or at any time for that matter) and I don’t drink, except for my margarita on Cinco de Mayo.  Gmail times you — I guarantee I would fail.

Maybe if you’re a drunk emailer this feature will come in handy for you.  Say you’ve been hitting the Merlot pretty hard and think now is the perfect time to tell your ex that it doesn’t happen to every guy, mail goggles may stop you.  Or if you think now’s your chance to tell that PTA mom what you really think of her fundraiser ideas, mail googles may help.  Some night you may have had one too many 2 for 1s at the sports bar and want to tell your sister that she’s right, she really was adopted and her childhood pet, Sunny, didn’t go to a hamster ranch, you fed it to the neighbor’s snake.  Google is there for you.

Like I said, I don’t drink, but mail goggles might come in handy for me, too.  Sometimes I drink caffeinated beverages too late at night and think I should email a friend to tell her I’ve secretly nominated her for What Not to Wear.  That would be a bad idea and knowing my math skills, mail goggles would prevent me from letting my friend know she dresses like a high-priced call girl on crack.  Not that there’s anything wrong with  that.  You just might want to leave the lucite heels and finger-less gloves at home for Kindergarten Science Day.
I’m a night owl and do most of my emailing late when I’m watching Bravo, so gmail would help out when I want to let someone know what I REALLY thought of that decision way back in the day and you know what I’m talking about and don’t think for one minute I forgot about it ’cause I have a memory like a steel trap and yes, you were wrong and I was right na na na boo-boo and for the record I’m still the cuter one, so there.  I’m just saying, for example.  Hypothetically.  I don’t think “cuter” is even a word and I would never resort to “na na na boo-boo” even late at night.  Maybe I should switch to gmail.  And decaf.

forget the dog, sign me up

I love my friends.  I love them even more when they call and tell me a website I have to visit and laugh at.

Interwebs friends, I give you the pet lodge and day spa of your dog’s dreams.  Willows Oak in Madisonville.  A friend of mine is looking for a kennel for her doggies while the family is on vacation, but I don’t think this is what she’s looking for.

If you only want the best for your pooch maybe you’d like her to stay in the Deluxe Cabana with a TV:

“Our Cabanas consist of 6’X5′ of living space in an indoor climate controlled area.  Your Pet can enjoy a variety of Disney Movies played throughout the day and enjoy the privacy of their personal cabana living space.  Our TV’s help in providing a truly home-like enviroment.”

I’m pretty sure that’s the fake ficus I threw out when we moved into our house.  Guess doggies don’t mind if it’s fake.  And really, a flat panel tv?  Really?  You think they play Aristocats, Lady & the Tramp, 101 Dalmations, & All Dogs Go to Heaven?  My dog only enjoys Disney movies, don’t show her any Dreamworks flicks or she may bite.  She’s an animation connoisseur.

Let’s move on.  What if you have a cat, what does the spa offer our kitty friends?

“Cats can also enjoy additional 20 min personalized playtime sessions which
includes a kitty tower, dome tent, zanie toys and furry toy mice. Or your cat
may prefer to be cuddled, brushed or massaged.”

It’s $4 extra for the extra 20 minutes of playtime.  I’m so in the wrong business.

The spa is what is the selling point of this place.


“Teeth Brushing: Does your pet have less than appealing breath? This service
is not an alternative to a dental performed by a trained veterinarian, but
regular teeth brushing can aid in reducing tartar and unappealing bad breath.
$7.00″     No, I just give my dog Altoids and Orbit gum.

“Massage: Pet massage has been shown to improve health, enhance bonding and
provide pure enjoyment for your pet. This relaxing and therapeutic session
consists of a 20 minute massage therapy session in a relaxing environment.$7.00 per session”    Here’s my question: how the hell would you really know if your dog had a massage?  It’s not like they’re going to tell you.  Do dogs even like massage?  I don’t know.

“Pet Aromatherapy: Our aromatherapy sessions offer natural pet care
aromatherapy blends combined for your dog using high quality essential oils &
infusions.”    Oh, hell no.  My dog likes to sniff other dog’s derrieres.  Do you really think she cares about aromatherapy?  Do they have Scent of Dachshund Butt  as an option?

“We offer 4 essential oil blends:

Relax Time: A calming blend of aromatic oils designed to ease doggie
anxieties & hyperactivity.

Refresh: An aromatherapy blend designed to refresh & invigorate your
pet.

Skin Soother: A soothing combination which eases inflamed, itchy skin.

Arthritis Relief: A formula blended to ease doggie arthritis & achy bones.”

They don’t offer any blend my dog would appreciate.  Fortunately, I am here to help with Lucy’s future essential oil blends for the LRP: less refined pooch.  Maybe your dog would relax to the scent of  Dog Booty, Smelly Garbage, Kitty’s Litter Box, Diaper Pail, Toilet Water (actual toilet water, not the fancy stuff from the perfume counter), and Lucy’s favorite, Face of 3 Year-Old Boy.  Those are all scents endorsed by my own Lucy the basset hound (actual dog experience may vary).

I could go on, but it’s time for Lucy to watch the Pink Panther, she likes the high-brow old-school animation the Boomerang channel has to offer.  I also have to paint her nails and cook her filet mignon and lobster tail for dinner.

No, not really, Blondie.

So, for the past past 3 years at the bus-stop in the morning I’ve seen a woman, probably in her mid-40’s, in a black 4 Runner with spiky blonde hair pass us and go around the corner.  At 6:45 in the morning everyday this woman has passed me, waved, gone on her merry way as we wait for the bus.   No big.

Last Friday we were waiting for the bus as usual when something out of the norm happened.  Blondie in the 4 Runner comes practically flying down the street, music blaring.  There usually isn’t music. As she approached I notice the song — “Fight For Your Right (to Party)” by the Beastie Boys.

Now, if you’re in your 40’s I don’t think you have to fight for your right to party anymore.  I believe you can just party whenever you feel like it, pretty much.  Maybe you can’t party just anywhere anytime, but certainly you have the right to do so.  No one would stop you.  I’m not much of a partier, never have been.  A lot of the time I’m not sure I even like people.  And I hate owls, they’re just creepy.  Anypoodle, never have I said to myself, “Self, I wish I could party tonight, but thanks to our society I’ll have to fight for my right to party.”  Never happened.

Tonight I’m going to have a private party.  Sorry you didn’t get the invite, I didn’t send any.  I’m going to put the kids to bed, then I’ll be partying with my remote watching the season premier of Boston Legal with a glass of tea and if I get crazy, maybe I’ll have a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles and I might even drink the milk.  Yeah, I know, it might get wild, that’s just to get the night started, baby.  After the Cocoa Pebbles I’ll probably get on Facebook, challenge Mandy to a game of Scramble, and after that while I’m hopped up on sugar I’ll answer my emails and set the kids’ clothes out for school tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll even order Molly and Katie’s raincoats from Landsend.com!  Hey, I warned you it might get wild up in here.

Thank goodness our forefathers, the Beastie Boys, fought for our right to party, so we can party freely today.

Crazy week, sushi, & Sam’s

Whew, this week has been crazy.  One week ’til ScrapFest! and I have all the printing left to do.  I’m going to go through a lot of ink and paper this weekend.  Publisher and I are going to be bff’s after this weekend.  I’m going to take Publisher out for drinks and do karaoke.  We’re going to partay like it’s 1999 and then print more stuff into the wee hours while listening to some slow jams.  Yeah, my brain’s fried from being in front of this computer working on ScrapFest! stuff for the past 5 hours.  Yes, I said 5 hours.  I forgot to eat dinner ’cause I was burning up my keyboard and Hello Kitty mouse.  Yeah, I have a light-up Hello Kitty mouse, you wanna make something of it?  That’s what I thought.

Megan and I found a new sushi place this week.  Here’s Andrew learning how to use chopsticks.  Yeah, I’m teashing the boy all about international cuisine.  He loved the crunchy roll.  Of course, he brought in cars to play with. We went to Sam’s today.  I saw someone buy 6 cases of waffles.  60 waffles in a case.  That’s a lot of waffles.  I would multiply that, but I’m squinting to see this screen and think I need some sleep.  It’s 12:07 in the a.m.

Oh, how I loathe you, school fundraiser

I really can’t stand the school fundraiser.  Yes, I think giving money to the school is fantastic.  Yes, we should support the public schools, but do we really have to beg our friends and relatives to buy junk out of a catlog they really don’t need?  No.  Can we think of a better way to raise money for the schools?  I like the whole rounding up to the nearest dollar Pet Smart and other stores do for different charities and Target gives to the school you select, so I know we can do better.

Here are some of the items in the catalog I will be sending to friends and family this Christmas we have to choose from :

I give you the beach chair votive holder.  I guess if you got a horribly bad sunburn on your last beach vacay, you may want to remember it by having this lovely burning reminder of your trip.  If it wasn’t such a great beach vacay due to family members, get this votive as a reminder of what a pain in the ass they were.

Next is a product perfect for the outdoorsman out there who may be watching his waistline.  It’s the bear claw salad forks.  I’m picturing a big-game hunter, just in from a big day (or night) in the woods, kicks off his boots, pulls a couple of burrs out of his beard and is hungry.  He goes to the fridge, reaches past the leftover lasagna, past the Popeye’s spicy, and grabs the micro-greens salad he picked up at Whole Foods.  He sprinkles on some fresh blueberries, walnuts, squeezes on some lemon juice and some EVOO, adds a little freshly ground pepper and sea salt and busts out the bear claw salad forks to toss the salad.  Has a glass of boxed wine, turns on the tv to catch a cable presentation of Pride and Prejudice.  Ain’t nothin’ like watching Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy after putting a cap in Bambi’s mom’s ass. 

I know, you’re thinking “ReeRee, I’ve got salad forks.  You know what I could use?  Something to help me in the mornings; I never have time for breakfast.”  Well, I’ve got you covered as usual on the Kerry blog!  If you’re a good boy or girl this year, maybe Santa Kerry will put a cereal-on-the-go in your stocking. 

I skip breakfast almost everyday.  Never have I been on the way out the door to take Andrew to MDO and thought, “if only I had a way to transport my Honey Bunches of Oats without it getting soggy in milk!”  Ok, so I’ve never thought that, but now I can have my cereal in car line, complete with a spoon.  Now that’s an invention.  Kind of reminds me of the McDLT.

Reading is one of my passions and I’ll read anything, books, cereal box, instruction manual, encyclopedias, but I really love magazines.  At one time I believe I had 7 magazine subscriptions and presently I get 2 for free and I don’t know why — for realz.  Anywhoodle, never even at the doctor’s office have I seen magazines like my girls’ school fundraiser is offering. Never at the OBGYN or the dentist’s office, or even the questionable nail salon, for crying outloud!

Love dogs?  Here’s BARK!  I’m not sure if this is for the owner or the dog. That dog at the top looks a little too happy, I’m pretty sure it’s a puppet.  OMG, I just noticed it says “dog is my co-pilot” underneath the masthead.  Holy mother of Dog!  OK, this is just ridiculous.

Now, I’m not as up on American History as my husband due to various reasons.  I once had a professor who passed out drunk in American History 101, so you can’t exactly blame me for my ignorance.  I’m no Civil War buff, but I have watched a lot of the History Channel and I believe the war between the states is over, so I was puzzled when I saw this magazine.

Really?  Don’t you just buy books to read about the Civil War?  I think I’m getting Scott this for Chrismas.

Southern Living is one of the mags I get for free.  Again, not sure why I get it for free, guess I’m so southern and alive they just have to give it to me.  When I went to the fundraiser catalog’s website I was blown away at how many different regions have their own magazine.  There’s LA, New York, the northeast, Dallas, Atlanta — I understood all those.  Makes sense.  I know when we lived in Duluth I picked up the Atlanta magazine more than once, but I never saw this one at the newstand.

Yep, it’s Trailer Life.  And if you’re wondering if you’re on my Christmas list, well, don’t be surprised to see this in your mailbox along with Cat Fancy, Timber Home LIving, Truckin, Urban Climber, Teen Strings, Coin World, and Gun Dog.  There’s also Garden & Gun, you know for the gardening hunter or gangsta who likes keepin’ his crib lookin’ mean ‘n green. I bet a certain VP candidate gets Garden & Gun!