Category: are you freakin’ kidding me?

sleepless in south la

I am watching Ryan Adams on Letterman.  I had no intention of being up remotely late tonight, seeing as how I haven’t slept well this week.  All three munchkins were asleep by 8:30, I told Scott I was going to bed early, everything was going well.  I got comfy, started watching House I’d recorded on the DVR and then it started.

There is a bird or something in the attic.  Scott says he thinks it’s a bird.  If you’ve been reading my blog for long, you know I do not like birds.  Birds and I have not gotten along since that ginormous blue parrot flew at my head at the New Olreans Aquarium in ’96.  A  bird pooped on my jacket in front of Aswell dorm at LA Tech — I don’t think I’ve spoken of that since the day of that unpleasantness.  I mean, when you’re talking with someone and a bird poops on you, how do you continue the conversation?  I can’t remember who I was talking to, but I’m pretty sure I just walked away.  Thank the Lord for free counseling in college.  Then there was the incident in Brunswick, GA when the seagull flew in my car at the gas station.

I can’t sleep.  I just know the damn bird is going to come flying in through the air vent or something.  Trust me, if it could happen, it’s going to happen to me.  I’m a bird magnet.  Really, if a bird flies in here, it’s all over, I’m going to have to move.  I had to trade in the Toyota when the bird flew in it in Georgia.  Once, in Macon, when we lived on the golf course, a chipmunk ran in the house when we opened the door on the way out for church.  It wasn’t that bad.  Yeah, I freaked out a little and threw my arms up in the air while Scott got the chipmunk out, but it wasn’t like a bird.  Birds fly.  I just don’t trust that.  The only thing worse than that would be if a flying squirrel got in the house.  I just heard the bird again.  Great.  I might have to call 911.  Or the Audubon Society.  You know the Audubon people just invented a cat that glows green under a black light.  Only in New Orleans, people.  Maybe they’ll bring the glow-in-the-dark cat to ge the bird.  Here’s the cat in case you haven’t seen it.

this just in: study finds men think red is sexy, woo-hoo!

I love a good study reported as news.  Don’t you?  Here are the results of a study of which I’m trying to decipher.  The following is from CNN.com by Theresa Tampkins (from the Health section).

Does wearing the color red give you a sexual edge? Maybe, according to a new study, which found that men find women sexier if they’re sporting a crimson hue rather than, say, blue or green.

One of the images used in the study that found red clothing fans the flames of passion.

One of the images used in the study that found red clothing fans the flames of passion.

However, red won’t make you look smarter or more competent, says study author Andrew Elliot, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York.

“We only found the effect for attraction, so males don’t rate females in red as more intelligent, more likable, or as having a better personality; they only rate her as sexier and more attractive,” he says.

Men also were more likely to say they wanted to have sex with a woman and that they would be willing to spend more on a date if she were in red, according to the report in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

In a series of five studies, about 150 heterosexual men (homosexual men and those with red-green color blindness were excluded) rated photographs of women framed in red, white, gray, green, or blue, or with the woman in a red or blue shirt. On a 7-point scale, with 1 being the least sexy and 7 a white-hot sex goddess, the color red added about 1.25 points to the rating, says Elliot.

So, just to be clear, is it only while women are wearing red?  What if you — and I’m not naming names or anything — have red hair? You know, like any of the 2 -6% of us in the US who have naturally red hair.  Guess we’ll never know.  Damn, I’ll never know if I’m sexy or not.  Guess I’ll have to conduct my own study.  I’ll be hanging out in Home Depot tomorrow afternoon in the power tool section.

I love the part about not rating females in red as more intelligent or likable, because frankly, who the hell cares?  Even more, I LOVE the part where they state homosexual men and men with red-green color blindness were excluded from the study.  Yeah, that would have made the study useless! By the way is “white-hot sex goddess” a scientific term?  I’ll have to ask some friends in the scientific community.  I’m pretty sure I missed that in my biology classes, but I might have been writing “Mrs. Andrew McCarthy” on my Trapper Keeper the day that was covered.

Being a redhead, I’ve never worn a lot of red.  But now that I’ve thought about it a little, I do get a lot of attention when I wear my red cardigan.  No man can resist a chick in a cardigan.  That just screams white-hot sex goddess.

long tall salliemae.com

I wasn’t going to really post today, but I just finished dealing with my student loan online (you know, the one I have from college, but the degree wasn’t included — always read the fine print, a little tip from me to you, dear readers) and I couldn’t get this out of my head.

Okay, so Scott asked me what we owe on my loan, I said I’d check.  That started the whole thing.  A simple question turned into an afternoon of Sallie Mae annoying the hell out of me.  By the way, what is it with loan companies names?  Sallie Mae, Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac?  It’s weird.  Anymae, I tried to log onto the site and I put in all the log-in names I could think of, but struck out each time.  I went with Plan B, where they email you your log-in name, well, that didn’t work either.  They have an email address for me I haven’t had for almost a decade.  People change email addresses, but Sallie Mae makes you re-register if you’ve changed your email address and can’t remember your log-in name because you’ve been paying them like a good citizen all these years and hadn’t needed to go to their website and don’t have a statement handy to get your account number.

The re-registration process was painful.  I picked my user name, filled in all the stuff and they tell me my user name is in use, well no freakin’ s**t, Sallie Mae!  It’s in use because it’s still me and you won’t let me log-in!  I’ve used the same user name for everything for the past 11 or so years, so there you go.  I picked another user name and proceeded on to the weirdest thing I’ve encountered in an online registration.  It wanted me to pick 5 security questions.  Five.  I think it’s easier to get into the Pentagon’s site.  Damn.  I have 3 kids — I can’t think of five answers and this isn’t freaking Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.  Here’s the questions I had to choose from, the for-real questions.   Guess which ones I chose.

What is the name of your last school attended?  Don’t you have that?  It’s the one I have the damn loan for.

What is the last name of your favorite grade-school teacher?  Mr. Hayes.  He was cute and that’s the reason I never paid attention during math.

What is the name of your favorite band or musician?  The greatest band in the world, Morris Day and the mother effin’ Time!

What is the name of your favorite book author?  Book author?  Really?  Dr. Seuss.

What is the name of your favorite relative as a child?  What kind of question is that?  What if I was an orphan?  I’m not, but let’s say I was.  What if I was raised by mountain lions.  Or ninjas.

What is your greatest fear?  Way to bring down the mood, Sallie.  Owls.  Everybody knows they’re creep city.  Oh, and those Furby toys, those freak me out, too, ’cause they look like owls.  Oh, and Dick Cheney.

What is the street your favorite residence is on (no abbreviations e.g. East versus E.)?  What?  Weird question, but an easy one.  Elvis Presley Blvd. Boulevard, excuse me.

What is your favorite vacation spot?  Anywhere Scott and I can get away without the munchkins.  But not Canada.

What is the name of your best friend from childhood?  Define childhood.  Elementary school, middle, high school?  You’re not going to call them are you?  Is this for a character reference?

What is the make and model of your first car?  Barbie Corvette, jealous?

What was your first job?  Define job.

What is the name of the first grade school you attended?  What’s with the obsession with my childhood?  Are you my psychiatrist?   I’ve moved on, so should you.  Thanks to doctors, medications, and Ben & Jerry I’m doing fine, now, really.  Thanks for your concern.

What is the name of your first pet?  Again with the childhood questions?  Why bring up bad memories?  My first dog was named Shine and she ran away or at least that’s what my liar, liar, liar pants on fire parents told me.  Then I found out they gave her away.  And Sam my Cocker Spaniel didn’t go to live on a doggie farm, either!  Great, now I’m upset.

What is your mother’s maiden name?  Is she paying my loan off?  Then I don’t think you need that information. Fine, it’s Liesaboutpets — it’s an Indian name.

I feel better now.  I don’t know why Sallie Mae’s “security” questions were so hostile.  All I wanted was to find out what my loan balance was and now I can’t get owls and my deceased pets out of my mind.