things that just aren’t right

There are some things in the world that just aren't right. I have said "that's just not right" about things for years, but today takes the cake. I'm not talking about Congress thinking they're going to pass 20 bills in the next six weeks. I'm not talking about Kim Jong Il promoting his son. I'm not talking about Rahm Emanuel leaving the White House to run for mayor in Chicago. No, people, this is a whole lotta crazy.

I fired up the interwebs this morning and have my coffee, as I usually do at the crack of nine and read the news on CNN.com. I enjoy the CNN for news as well as my Anderson Cooper. But not today.

On the top half of the front page is the news that Snooki, of The Jersey Shore, has struck a deal with a major publisher to write a novel. This just isn't right. This young lady is famous for being punched on television and for being orange. I do not know Snooki. I don't know if she has a passion for writing or if she has a flair for storytelling and a love of language. I don't know if she loves the works of Shakespeare or spends her nights re-reading Jane Austen. I only know that she somehow got a book deal. For a novel. With words.

Later in the day, I checked CNN again and saw that NBC is making a remake of The Munsters. You know, the show where the family just happens to be monsters? Yeah. This just isn't right. NBC, did you not read my post full of original show ideas here on The Kerry Blog in the spring? Who Wants to Marry a Guy with Decent Credit, Kerry Gets a Houseboy, I Want to Give Andrew McCarthy a TV Show — any of these ring a bell? NBC, I give and give and what do you do? You give the green light to a remake of a show no one needed in the first place. I simply cannot take it.

This afternoon, again, on the top half of the front page of CNN.com is the headline: Bolton Wants 'DWTS' Apology. Michael Bolton of mullet fame is apparently on Dancing with the Stars this season. I do not watch this particular program. I think they use the term "stars" loosely, as Bristol Palin and Snooki's buddy from The Jersey Shore are currently on the show. Michael Bolton was recently told by a judge on the show that his was the worst performance ever in the history of the world of DWTS. Now he wants an apology. Seriously? This just isn't right. Michael, I want an apology for having to look at your hair back in the day on VH1 every other hour. These judges say things for ratings. Have you not seen a reality show competition before? Did your agent not tell you what you were getting into? Did you have any backstage conversations with Sarah Palin?

Finally, I read that Congress voted that commercials on TV are too loud. Thank baby Jesus something is finally going to be done about this. I could not spend one more day with commercials as loud as they are and the thought of bringing my children up in a world with loud commercials is appalling. Talk about something that just isn't right! We have the right to play Words with Friends on our iPhones in peace during commercials without being disturbed by the Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball or the Shake Weight. This is America, not some third world country.

I'll leave you with one more thing that isn't right.

I have no words.

on online chat etiquette

Last night I was on Facebook, as I often am, chatting with friends when I came to the conclusion that it was up to me to outline proper online chat etiquette. So, here I am, your humble scribe, with what will surely help interwebs communication.

you can say anything you want online as long as you put a smiley face behind it.
you can say anything you want online as long as you type "LOL" behind it.
if it's not a "literal LOL" i.e. not that funny — you may be able to sue depending on your online rights in your state.
if you can't sue due to your state laws, move.
if Facebook hates you (as it does me) and kicks you off chat every 5 minutes, you should probably sue founder Mark Zuckerberg.
it is not acceptable to chat up someone you went to school with and haven't seen or spoken to since 1997 and come out to them.*
it is not acceptable to chat up someone you once had a fling with back in the day and ask if they remember said fling. *
it is not acceptable to chat up someone you were acquaintances with back in the day and confide in them about your divorce and child custody issues.*
it is not acceptable to chat up someone you were childhood friends with but haven't seen or spoken to since you randomly saw them in a mall in '96 and tell them you have a hard time dating because of your venereal disease.*
it is not acceptable to chat up someone you are barely acquaintances with and ask them to "skype you."*
if is perfectly acceptable to type "wtf?" if any of those scenarios happen to you during a chat.

I can only hope this etiquette lesson helps in your online communications. No need to thank me.

Love,

*these have all happened to moi.

you can’t fool me, Sean Penn

Can we just talk about this action for a second?

Sean Penn is shooting the lead in a movie called This Must Be The Place, about a rock star who hunts down an ex-Nazi war criminal who tortured his father in Auschwitz and haunts his remaining days. Penn in drag and the Holocaust? Say whaaa?

He needs a better make-up artist.

just for fun

Just for fun, here are the top keyword searches (and a couple of the oddest) people have used to land on this here blog in June (so far).

my breast friend

a plastic separator between her boobs

"can't accessorize for shit" movie

kerry faler

50 ways to use feminine hygiene products in a manly manner

sassy gay friend

flip flops na may toeless socks (say what?)

breast separator for sleeping (people are obsessed with the boob separator – it's insane)

I'm a Snuggie profile badge

gynecologist office photo

the drums

INXS falling down the mountain

what do vampires smell like? (more than one hit for this — you can't see my right now, but I'm twirling my index finger by my temple and going "cuckoo")

….AND (drumroll please) The Kerry Blog June 16th and all-time champion of the keyword searches is BBW PIN-UP for the post of which there is an illustration of no nekkidness, thankyouverymuch. Good grief, there are a bunch of horny people in the world (I'm talking to you Estonia, Ukraine, and Brazil).

photo study: meanwhile in Washington

I don't know if y'all have heard, but down south of where I live in Louisiana, in the Gulf of Mexico, there was an oil spill. Except that it wasn't an oil spill. An oil spill is a tanker truck turning over on the interstate. This is thousands of barrels of oil pouring into the Gulf everyday and it's been going on since April 20th with the blast on the Deepwater Horizon rig triggering a huge spill, soiling 100 miles of coastline, threatening some of the richest U.S. fisheries and endangering a fragile marine ecosystem. So, what does that mean to average Mr. and Mrs. America who isn't hearing about this everyday? The spill happened one week before the start of brown shrimp season in Louisiana, that means hundreds of shrimpers are out of work, not to mention all the other fishermen who are now unemployed. The spill is real to those families. This also means your summer vacation to Gulf Shores or Florida may have to be canceled as oil is being reported nearing the white sand beaches.

So, I thought I'd share some pictures of the coast, accompanied by photos of the President and Vice President in Washington this week.

A Brown Pelican is seen on the beach at East Grand Terre Island along the Louisiana coast on Thursday, June 3, 2010. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

Meanwhile, I assume this pic of Vice President and Mrs. Biden with Cookie Monster and friends was taken at the Muppet Summit on Wetland Protection.

I think Biden got the answer on how to save these guys from Grover. Don't worry, EVEN BROWNER pelicans, Biden's got this! (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

My man Paul McCartney was honored Wednesday night at the White House with the Gershwin Prize (I know, I wasn't invited either) and he performed "Michelle," with Obama mouthing the words in the front row. I'm sure that being a widely publicized environmentalist, McCartney gave the president advice on how to solve the crisis in the Gulf.

Well, maybe during the commercial breaks. Yeah, the evening was filmed as a concert for PBS to air in July.

Glad the president had time for that.

this shit has to stop

I've had it.

I've had it with a lot of stuff and people lately, including Aretha Franklin (I'm not finished with you, Aretha, you will get your own post), but when I saw this I knew I had to climb up on the soap box. If you were looking for music reviews or something funny, come back another day, I'm not in the mood.

We're going to talk about this poster:

Whether you're a Sex and the City fan or not is irrelevant. I don't care. I saw this poster on a blog two days ago and thought "that's an interesting painting." I don't think I've ever seen such a bad Photoshop job on a major studio release. I'm an amateur graphic designer and could probably do better than this garbage. Let's examine the f*ckery.

The image above with arrows added is from Jezebel. The arrows will help in dissecting the poster.

For some reason SJP's eyes are WAY close together.
Kim Cattrall is a painting. Not only does it not look like her, she looks emotionless and Barbie-like. Very scary.
Kim's elbow has been 'shopped to death resulting in something that looks like it didn't heal properly after an accident. Also, her wrist is tiny. The Photoshopper had arm issues and gave Kim a malformed arm. Her other arm seems to be taken from a baby doll and is oddly the same color as Cynthia Nixon's.
SJP's hidden leg is out of proportion to the rest of her body.
Kristin Davis is standing on one leg. On sand. At an angle. Or the Photoshopper forgot to put her legs in the poster when he assembled it. If that's supposed to be Kristin's knee it looks weird.
Kristin apparently has a boob job in this film because COME ON.

Cynthia Nixon is attempting to escape this disaster and I can't blame her. This poster is absolutely dreadful and I know dreadful when I see it — you should see my prom picture — I'd straightened my hair, then it rained.

My thoughts on the poster are this: are we living in a world where it is so wrong to age or have extra flab anywhere that every trace must be removed via the art department? Does Kim Cattrall care that she is almost unrecognizable? Everyone knows the series ended years ago and the actresses have aged; is the studio afraid no one will go to the theater if there is a wrinkle on one of the four? This kind of crap has to stop.

Before I get off my soap box, I give you this:

This is Kimora Lee (used to be Simmons) for Baby Phat. On the left is an unretouched image, on the right her ad for the new Baby Phat fragrance. She is a Barbie in another life. But this isn't just the work of a highly skilled Photoshopper. OH NO.

The Photoshopper stole the body of a model from the cover of French Vogue. You know, because no one would recognize THAT. I have a feeling that since Kimora owns her company, she said "make me look like I did in my modeling days." But this is blatant. I'm not sure if this is merely a woman trying to sell a fragrance or a woman hating her own body and her desperation to look thin. If it's the latter, then it's time for all women to embrace who they are and the skin they're in.

If I'm wrong and it's purely the work of an evil Photoshopper, then listen up, and this goes for all of you who work in the medium: stop making women into unrealistic plastic-looking Barbie dolls. We understand when you Photoshop out a blemish or under-eye circles, but this shit has to stop. It's out of control and it's making women look not only younger and thinner, but taller, and out of proportion. Just because you have the tool (in this case, Photoshop), it doesn't mean you have to use it to death. It's time to let women be women.

Okay, I'm stepping down from the soap box.

I’m starting my Christmas shopping early

That's right. I've found the perfect gift for ALL of my friends, and I do mean all. Shopping for my friends is hard mostly because I'm very particular when it comes to gift giving. I consider gift giving to be one of my strong suits. It's a gift. I have a knack for gifts. Last year for Christmas I found fabulous patterned market totes and had them monogrammed for my scrabooking friends. I also gave Mom Agendas and monogrammed Pottery Barn Christmas ornaments. But not this Christmas. This Christmas my friends will be cookin'.

I was perusing the Amazon.com last night and came across what has to be the most intriguing celebrity cookbook I've seen: Cookin' with Coolio.

*I did not Photoshop this. Seriously.

You know you need The Ghetto Gourmet. Let's take a look at the Contents.

Now, who doesn't want to become a kitchen pimp? Thank goodness that's chapter one! I thought I'd have to wait 'til the end for that. Appetizers for That Ass has to be a good one, as does Salad Eatin' Bitches (Crazy Pollo Salad "easily serves 4 crazy motherf****ers"). Coolio uses "dime bags" instead of teaspoons and has instructions such as "beat those eggs like a Mother#$%&er who crossed you" or "spin them around like a stripper on a pole." Martha Stewart he is not.

So, friends, start looking forward to your Christmas gift. Oh, and don't worry, Will — it's on the Kindle as well.

you’ve gone too far, hello kitty

I have two daughters, thus we have lots of Hello Kitty stuff around the house. There are dolls, clothes, coloring books, hair paraphernalia, shoes, toothbrushes, headphones, backpacks – the list goes on and on.

A few years ago it started spilling into my world as well. It started with a mouse pad. It was pink and shaped like a bow, and well, pink is my signature color. The girls thought the mouse pad was for them. Silly children. Then one day I slipped and asked one of the girls if they had seen "my" Hello Kitty hair clip.

And now it's no secret that Hello Kitty is my Jesus. *

It's just strange the way the cat has worked herself into my everyday existence. It seems there is nothing I do where I don't feel the presence of the feline — from the smallest item to the biggest of my day, I'm always surprised to see Hello Kitty in the oddest places.

Take my typical day, for instance – nothing out of the ordinary. I may have a doctor appointment.

Like I said, nothing out of the ordinary, there. Then I might go to the shooting range for a bit, good times.

Meeting friends for sushi is one of my favorite things to do, and we've been on a big sushi kick lately.

Then we might go for coffee. Y'all know good coffee is one of my vices. I love coffee.

After coffee, I'd head home to get a few things done before the kids come home from school. Maybe cut down that tree I've been meaning to take care of.

Then of course, I'd have to take care of my bees. What? You didn't know I was also a beekeeper?

There's nothing I enjoy more after a long day of dealing with the kids and all the miscellaneous stuff I do than kicking back with my Hello Kitty bong. Not really. Yes, those are real bongs, but not mine.

But Hello Kitty has gone too far this time. Now there is Hello Kitty wine. Wine. Real wine.

What is this telling kids? Hello Kitty wants them to drink? I cannot give this the Kerry stamp of approval. The Kerry stamp of approval is a big pink K, by the way. There are several types of Hello Kitty wine. The wine's tagline is "our favorite girl has grown up." Well, I guess so. Hello Kitty is a drunk.

If I liked wine I'd probably drink it.

*that's a joke, people.

file under “a” for “amuse”

I'm getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow and I feel like a change, so I though I'd do a Google image search for "short naturally curly hair pictures." The results were interesting.

Take a look, maybe you can help me decide which style to go with, because at this point it's a toss-up and my appointment is at ten, so any help would be appreciated. Let's go to the photos.

I don't know what the Google is trying to tell me. Timberlake's hair isn't even a style.

I think I'm going to go with the Lenny Kravitz.

images from google images via top-hairstyle.com and thehairstyler.com

from the emails

I rely on my friends to keep me in the loop on several fronts and often get emails and texts of breaking news, hilarity, and douchebaggery. I'm not sure which of those categories the following falls into, but it's blogworthy.

From Jenn:

"I'm driving along I-12 today and see a worker's pick-up (a work truck) and it says:

'Welding & Supplies'
'Specializing in Steel Erection and Penetration.'"

"I'm driving along I-12 today and see a worker's pick-up (a work truck) and it says:

'Welding & Supplies''Specializing in Steel Erection and Penetration.'"

'Welding & Supplies'
'Specializing in Steel Erection and Penetration.'"