Author: Kerry Faler

I collect typewriters in the 21st century. I’m an enigma that way.

that’s what I’m talking about

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/someEcards.swf

this is for my friends on the right.  Betcha would've voted for Obama if you knew you were getting your very own unicorn!

and just because I'm living in a bad sitcom (Molly has a fever, Katie's throwing up, and snotty Andrew ate so many Tootsie Rolls that he fell asleep in front of the tv and was literally stuck to the carpet) and needed a laugh, I give you this little gem:http://www.someecards.com/usercards/someEcards.swf

and I wrote this haiku for Frugal Beth's haiku-loving 9 year-old, Sarah:

it's January

oh so cold and sometimes warm

you can wear capris

and here's another one, just because I can't sleep:

in elusive dreams

this sleep is just a rumor

taunting my eyelids

well, this post went to hell in a handbasket

EDIT:  just to let you know, when I'm angry I use lots of punctuation, yes, more than usual.  If you don't mind that, continue on.

Friends and peeps, I spent a good while last night and practically all morning documenting for the blog the ridiculosity that was our scrapbook trip to Pearl and guess what?  When I took Molly and Andrew (who are home sick today) to grab lunch (because we have no food in our house unless you count condiments and popcorn and one papaya) and guess what should happen when I get back to the hizzouse?  I lost the post.  Damn interwebs connection on the Google machine went out for probably 10 seconds and — because I obviously can't learn from past mistakes — the post was gone.  Join me in this one — arrrrrrghhhhH! I blame Al Gore.

When I discovered the post was gone, the almost 8 year-old in the house, Molly, informed me that I said an "S Category Word"  whatever the hell that means.  Because she was in the room, I said "stupid computer" which is a helluva lot nicer than what I was thinking and because I'm relatively civilized I won't write those thoughts at this time. 

So, I will partially tell the tale of our trip in pictures, since I in no way have the patience to rewrite the entire post, which I assure you, was the stuff Pulitzer dreams of; although it was longer than Gone With The Wind because the trip was the stuff of legend.

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Here's what you need about the trip (think of it as the Cliff's Notes version): we went to check-in to our hotel at midnight last Thursday night, the front-desk dude was not there and after over an hour of looking for another hotel, we returned to the Sleep Inn to be greeted by Mr. Pornstache who resembled a chubby Freddie Mercury of Frugal Beth's favorite band, Queen.  If you happen to see Frugal Beth while you're out and about be sure to sing "We Are the Champions," she hearts that song.  Oh, and I fell down in the parkinglot because I am a superstar.

Anystache, it was around 1:30 am when  we got to our room. 

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Onto our next photo.  The battery in my Scrapmobile (kind of like the Batmobile, but with pink tools that could very well be used as weapons) died and Meg'n and I had to go get a new battery for the thing.  Because girl likes to shop, I picked up this little beauty for the rear view mirror. It's superfantastic except for when the sun hits it just right and the reflected light burns your retinas.  

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On Friday night Meg, Lori, and I retired to our luxurious room and discoverd a sign to the left of our door we'd missed previously because of the sheer anger of the night before. 

The small sign pointing to our room reads "snack vending machine."  I assure you, our room was not a vending machine, although we did have gum in our purses. 

We were past the point of delirious at midnight when we saw the sign.  I told the girls that I then knew why there were quarters stuck under the door that morning and drunk people kept banging on the door in the middle of the night yelling "gimme my damn Andy Capp Hot Fries!  Where are the effing Kit Kats?!" 

So, that in 3 photos sums up the trip.  From now on when I think of Pearl, those images will come to mind. 

Oh, and by the way, by what I believe to be the intervention of Jesus, we did not make the wrong turn we've made on 2 previous occassions and end up at the Turkey Creek Water Park — just in case you were keeping score at home. 

my birthday’s not until July, but…

In case you're looking for the perfect birthday gift for me or something to give for redheaded blogger's day — here's the item that has made its way to the top of the old wish list in record time.  May I present Aretha Franklin's Inauguration hat.
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Here's Luke Song, the dude who made ReeRee's hat.  You know She picked Luke Song strickly for his name.  ReeRee's like that, she wakes up in her big house in Detroit and wants a hat — she goes to her man Luke Song. 

If you've been reading the Kerry Blog for more than 10 minutes you know I love my Aretha.  She and I have a connection.  How can you not love the woman who gave the BEST quote in the history of the big woman: "I'm a big woman, I need big hair."  Yes, that is my motto, but you knew that.  I love her.  And I love her hat.  It looks like it's trimmed in marcasite, it's not, but Mr. Song made it look like it is because Mr. Song is that effing talented. 

And so in honor of Aretha, here's "Do Right Woman, Do Right Man."  Why?  Because it's my favorite, that's why and this is my damn blog.  And because this is probably the first Aretha song I identified with as a young woman, since I had more than a couple of crappy boyfriends until Scott came along.  This song is just perfect and lovely.  Unfortunately, the only video of Aretha singing "Do Right Woman" had its embedding disabled, so I had to settle for just the song.  And yes, I did think of lipsynching to it and taping myself for you wearing some kind of hat and showing lots of Aretha-like cleavage, but that would be silly wouldn't it?  As if that's stopped me before.  Tee hee hee. 

in lieu of a real post…

got this from Melissa and thought it may qualify for a post, maybe not. 

45 ODD things about me!

FILL IT OUT and pass it on (and also back to the person that sent it to you)! Learn 45 things about your friends, and let them learn 45 things about you.

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing?  sometimes, depends on my mood.
3. Do you own a gun?  No, but my husband does.  I own a couple of glue guns. 
4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shops?     I love a mocha and caramel Frap,  I discovered the Mt. Ranier at Seatle Drip over the weekend, although the mocha at Cups was the best coffee drink of my life.  Mmmm…coffee. 
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?     Yes, not sure why.  Well, fear of bad news, I suppose.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?   I think yum.  Chili dogs are even yummier.  I suddenly would like some Sonic. 
7. Favorite Christmas song?     Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?     it's called coffee yo, try it sometime.  Goes well with the AM
9. Can you do pushups?     surely you jest.  No.  not even going to try.
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?  my anniversary ring, Pandora bracelet, all my Mignon Faget pieces. 
11. Favorite hobbies?      scrapbooking, blogging, writing, reading, planning my escape

What happened to 12?

13. What's one trait that you hate about yourself?   did I mention that I'm depressed?  yeah, I thought so.  thanks for bringing me down, quiz thingie.
14. Middle name?     Renae with an A, yeah, my parents spelled my names weird.  No one has ever gotten either of my names right in the history of ever. 
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?     1. who do I have to call tomorrow?  2. I wish Scott were home  3. I hope the kids stay in their beds tonight. 
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?      coffee, tea, water
17. Current worry right now?    getting out of this funk
18. Current hate(s) right now? depression, getting up at 6:15 am, owls — always owls — did I tell y'all Molly made an owl portrait in pastels in art class today?  Brought it home, I unrolled the paper and nearly had a stroke.  I have no doubt one day I will have a bird-induced stroke in my kitchen.  And doctors reading?  If you know of any anti-bird-inducing stroke medications, shoot me an email through the Google machine. 
19. Favorite place to be?  away, far away. 
20. How did you ring in the New Year? talking on Facebook with good friends, listening to fireworks in my neighborhood, watching Scott play a video game  — I think it was God of War. 
21. Like to Travel?  sometimes
22. Name three people who will complete this? me, Jenn, Beth will answer parts
23. Do you own slippers?  3 pink pair
24. What color shirt are you wearing? green!
28. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor?   hell no.  I would die or get voted off first.  or both.  unless they're canibals.  damn canibals would keep the chubby girl for a potential source of food.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower?  lately it's "Goodnight Elizabeth."  I'm more or a car-singer actually.
30. Favorite girl names?  duh, Katie, Molly, and Caroline, Elizabeth, and Sadie. 
31. Favorite boy names? Andrew, Henry, James, and Elvis
32. What's in your pocket right now?  there are no pockets in my never-been-used-for yoga pants
33. Last thing that made you laugh?  my retarded life and the fact that my new bra is broken.  stupid heavy underwire-breaking boobs.  oooo– maybe that's my superpower — my boobs can break underwires!
34. Worst injury you've ever had? I want to say my c-section with Andrew, but I don't think that counts.  I don't know, take your pick — I've twisted or sprained my ankles 400 times, I've fallen down stairs 400 times and bruised my ass pretty bad, broken a pinkie toe, and fallen in random places like my garage and on ice in Canada while pregnant with Katie, oh, and I've bruised my ego several times.  all of those are true, btw.
35. Do you love where you live?  yes, I do.
36. How many TV's do you have in your house?  3
37. Who is your loudest friend?   I don't know.  I think I'm probably the loud friend of my friends. Damn, what does that mean? 
38. Does someone have a crush on you?   ha.  I'm sure someone would like to crush me into a million pieces occassionally.
40. What is your favorite candy? M&Ms.  And I love a Snickers. 
41. Favorite Sports Team?  I do not have one.  I liked the Macon Whoopee hockey team when we lived in Macon.  Hockey is cool&
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42. What were you doing 12 AM last night?  putting on pjs and setting my alarm, sending a sleepwalking Molly back to bed and saying my prayers. 
43. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today?  these would be my thoughts every weekday morning: "damn, is it 6:15?   Where are my slippers?  I have to pee" and then I usually walk straight into the tv cabinet in our bedroom like I don't know it's there.  I'm a bloomin' genius!
44. What is your favorite Holiday?  usually Christmas, but I love Cinco de Mayo, Valentine's Day, Mardi Gras, National Scrapbooking Day, April Fool's Day, the Ides of March, Bastille Day, my birthday, Groundhog's Day, St Patty's Day, Boxing Day, and free scoop day at Baskin Robbins.  oh, and I forgot tip your favorite redhead blogger day, that would be today.  I'll be adding a PayPal button.
45. What are you plans for tomorrow?   wow!  big day!  get up at 6:15, get the girls ready for school, do dishes, plot revenge against arch enemies, do laundry, maybe unpack my car from the weekend, drink coffee, sing back-up for Aretha on the Today show, make breakfast for Andrew, practice tricks on the half-pipe at the skate park, sweep the kitchen, make beds, make my weekly call to Steven Speilberg to direct my life story, check Facebook, work on the ScrapFest! website, audition for Food Network's "Cooking with the Wino," sharpen knives, polish silver, wait for Barack's call to be Ambassador to Ireland, watch a movie on the DVR, sushi lunch with the girlfriends, work on the hotrod, work on my portfolio for Project Runway, call about getting Andrew in speech, lose 100 lbs, grow 4 or 5 inches taller, pose for my Playboy centerfold, and make spaghetti for dinner.  Oh, and do homework with the girls.

an early what the hell Friday

Yes, I know it's Thursday, but I'll be at Crop Connection this afternoon through Saturday night, so it's an early What the Hell Friday for you to ponder for days on end.  I'll be posting from CC, but this is too effin' weird not to post for WTHFriday.

It's the USB Boob Warmer.
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Yes, it's a boob warmer.  For times when you're naked at the computer and it's just too much trouble to find a robe (as I'm wearing as I write this) or any type of clothing.  Thank goodness this has been invented because I can't tell you how often I'm blogging in the buff (btw, that's my new hit single "Blogging in the Buff") and I think "if only I had something to plug into this USB port to warm my bodacious chi-chis." 

Well, lo and behold, leave it to the Japanese to invent this lovely product.  I'm sure they're working on the USB ass warmer as we speak.  It would just be one bigger version of the kidney bean-shaped boob warmers.  Genius, I'm telling you!

But Kerry, pray tell, how does this nifty gadget work?  Oh, yes, you knew there would be more pictures.
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Why, it looks like you stuff the boobie warmers under your bra.  Damn, guess I can't use them naked.  You'd think they would have made them in skin tones — a peachy color, tan, cocoa, mahoghany — I'm just saying. 

I could just see my friends who work in chilly offices pulling these babies out and getting warm and toasty in the office.  I think I'll be picking up at few of  for next Christmas.  Secret Santa gifts!

Too bad the website's in Japanese.  I can't help but wonder, do they come in sizes?  I need to know if they make my DD or not.