the ob/gyn manifesto

So, I spent half the day at my OB/GYN's office and I have a few ideas to make the experience a bit more tolerable.  Perhaps I should make something clear: I have zero medical training (unless you count CPR class), but I feel I am qualified to make this manifesto because:

1. I am a woman; and 2. I have been a patient at exactly six OB/GYN offices.  That's right, six.  I've lived in a bunch of towns and approximately  42 medical professionals have seen me naked, maybe more.  I have zero modesty.  None.  Oh, number 3 — I have borne three children and thus have spent a great deal of time in OB/GYN offices.  I know what I'm talking about.  I should be a consultant for doctors opening offices, seriously.

The OB/GYN Manifesto

American woman have endured many things — ill-fitting bras, bad boyfriends, cramps — but we will endure bad  OB/GYN office visits no longer.  Women have needs.  We need more.  The wonderful thing about America is that we have choices, for the most part anyway, and we can choose a doctor that we like.  Unfortunately, the office visit is not as pleasant as the relationship a woman forms with her doctor.  A woman's annual visit to her gynecologist is awkward and uncomfortable.  To make our visits more pleasant, I suggest the following:

1.  Put comfortable chairs in the waiting room if my wait is going to be over an hour.  Massage chairs would be nice.  Maybe bring in a pedicurist.  

2.  Gray is not an acceptable wall color.  It is sterile and depressing.  Think warm colors, something happy.

3.  If you're going to have a television on, put on the Food Network or HGTV, not a local channel with a soap opera.

4.  Music would be good (as long as it's decent).

5.  Magazines are a requirement.  Lots of magazines.  Fairly current.  Catalogs even.  

6.  Ban talking on cell phones in the waiting room.  I had to listen to a tiny blond woman plan her Christmas party for 45 minutes today and talking about how she broke her wrist rollerblading in her neighborhood.  When she ended the call, she started texting.  She hadn't turned off the clicky noise when you type.  It took every ounce of self-control I possess to not take her iPhone and throw it into the water fountain.  

7.  Forget the water fountain and put in a margarita machine.  

8.  Offer complimentary socks in the exam room.  It's cold in there and socks don't always go with my outfit.  

9.  Make sure all the signs in your office are spelled correctly.  It's called spellcheck, use it.

10. If you're going to have art on the walls, for goodness sakes, make sure it's not portraits with eyes that follow you — it's a doctor's office, not the damn Haunted Mansion.  

11. On the scale,  have it say "superfantastic!" or "way hot" or "did you lose weight?" instead of numbers.  I'm sure the numbers could show up behind where we stand on the scale for you to see, but why don't we use this as an opportunity to boost our self-esteem?  It could be a win-win!

12. Do something about those exam gowns.  Pink, maybe an animal print, or a Snuggie.

13. Why not put in a skylight or something for me to look at while I'm in the stirrups?  

14.  Speaking of the stirrups — this is not the time for small talk.  We all know what's going on here, no need to ask about the kids or if I have weekend plans.  The only plans I have right now are to get dressed and get the hell out of there.  

15. Compliment my earrings.  It's hard to accessorize when planning the annual exam, a great deal of thought went into this.  Now that I think about it, you could accessorize as well.  Maybe one of those tuxedo-tshirts under your scrubs.  It's just an idea.

Together we can make this a better experience.  

Love,

announcing the 2nd annual Ugly Christmas Lawn Decor Contest

Decorcontest

That's right.  The Ugly Lawn Decor Contest is back.  So, take a pic or video of the tackiest Christmas-decor-filled yard in your neighborhood and email it to me @kerrybee7@yahoo.com.  The winner will be announced on Christmas Eve and will receive a Starbucks giftcard, so you can buy all the Peppermint Mochas you want for $25.  I may even throw in some tinsel. 

You know there is a lawn that defies the laws of hideousness, so send me the pic.  

Just for fun, let's take a look at last year's winner from Jenn.  Behold, the garage of Christmas life-size diorama:

tunes you need Tuesday: unplugged R.E.M

So, I was up late last night, unable to sleep for no reason and when I woke up at 6:15 this morning (after 3 hours of sleep) the song "Daysleeper" was in my head.  When I get a song in my head I usually fire up the iPod and play it, oh, I don't know — 42 times.  I enjoy that.  With all the R.E.M. on my iPod, I looked for another version of "Daysleeper" because I thought I had an acoustic version, but I couldn't find one.  I just knew there was an acoustic album, but it was the 2001 MTV Unplugged  I was thinking about.  This afternoon I set out to find video from the episode and I do believe I hit the motherload.  

When a band does an unplugged set  it shows what they can do, strips away the fancy studio fixes and you have a pure performance.  That's great for music fans.  If a band is really talented you'll hear that in the song, it shines through.  What Michael Stipe does here is fantastic — he has a voice that can easily overpower a song, but he is great at controlling it in an acoustic setting and the instruments aren't drowned out.  

And now for some "Daysleeper."  

One of the things that's different about R.E.M. is that they really don't do love songs.  I kind of love that.  Of course, they do love songs, but they're not typical, they're not sappy, they're honest.  That's why "At My Most Beautiful" is one of my favorite R.E.M. songs.  It's sweet, but not saccharin.  The piano in the song is wonderfully done and the melody is fantastic.  

"I'll Take The Rain" is done very well here.  I'll say what I always say while listening to my own iPod: I love this song.

I've adored "Find The River" since first hearing it on 1992's Automatic For the People, which is a fantastic album.   Let me explain what that means to the iTunes generation.  You see, back in the day, bands made albums.  Albums were meant to be  listened to as a whole, meaning the songs were connected, not necessarily a theme, but there was usually a flow and it was harmonious.  These days, artists release a couple of songs and they're lucky if someone hears the entire album with the invention of iTunes.  That's a sad thing because you miss those gems that aren't released as singles.  "Find The River" didn't chart in the U.S. so you probably didn't hear it unless you bought the album.  Here's the acoustic version.

Sadly, you can't get these acoustic takes on some of R.E.M.'s best songs on an album.  In what I consider to be a great travesty, they didn't put out an accompanying album.  I KNOW!  I couldn't believe it either.  Very sad.  I'm glad that at least for now, the videos are available on You Tube, so if you enjoyed the blog today, go watch the rest and you won't be disappointed.  R.E.M. is a fantastic band with music that holds up unbelievably well.  And by the way, the band is currently 30 minutes away from me, in New Orleans recording their new album.  Don't think I'm not working on finding out where they're recording.  If we're lucky there will be a part two to this post entitled "Kerry meets R.E.M. (and they didn't have her arrested for stalking)."

Sunday rewind: The B-52s

As I've said in a previous post, sometimes music is just supposed to be fun.  Thank God for The B-52s for days when fun is what you need.  The B-52s are quintessentially a party band from Athens, GA.  Between Fred Schneider's spoken-word vocals and Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson's harmonies (they also shared lead vocalist duties with Fred on half the songs), The B-52s made something special in the 80's.  They started as New Wave, played only on college radio and became part of the mainstream by the time Cosmic Thing came out.  I've loved them since my pre-teen days when their style meant as much to me as their music.  I identified with the style and the quirky style, and I'd still like to wear my hair as high as Kate's.  

The B-52s are precisely the fun we need today and thought you'd enjoy a few videos for this Sunday's Rewind.  

First up: "Private Idaho." 

"Legal Tender" is about counterfeiting money.  What?  You got a problem with that?

This is "Song For a Future Generation" and it's lovely in a bizarre way.  I adore the way the band members introduce themselves.  If I were in The B-52s I'd say: "I'm Kerry, I'm a Cancer, I love the Google and enchiladas!" You'll have to watch the video for that to make sense.   What a fun way to meet the band.  If you're unfamiliar with the early days of The B-52s, guitarist Ricky was Cindy Wilson's brother who was in the band and passed away from AIDS in 1985.  A lot of bands would have folded upon such a devastating loss, but The B-52s soldiered on and became a household name.

My favorite B-52s song has been "Deadbeat Club" for 20  years now.  Writing that sentence makes me feel so damn old.  Ah, youth.  Keith is supercute in this video, he has a Morrissey thing going on with the hair and glasses, and that's never a bad thing in my opinion.  Oh, and check out Michael Stipe's cameo.  

http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/x1x9s4&related=0

So, that's The B-52s for today.  If you enjoyed it, check out "Dance This Mess Around," "Planet Claire," and "Rock Lobster" on You Tube.  

so thankful

Dear Friends and Readers,

BeThankfulCarvedPumpkin(White)  The turkey is in the oven and I've set aside a few moments in this busy day for one of my traditions.  I've been making Thankfulness Lists forever, for the past few years they've been here for everyone to see.  I hope that at some point today you make your list, whether on paper or in your head.  But more importantly, I hope that you thank God for the blessings in your life.  Whether you realize it or not, you are blessed.  You are blessed to be breathing, laughing, crying, celebrating, hurting, talking, and living.  Each day is a blessing, good or bad.  I wish you a happy Thanksgiving surrounded by the people you love most.  

The Annual Kerry Blog Thankfulness List

I am thankful for…

my God

my husband  and all that he does for our family

our children and all the frustration and happiness they bring me

the greatest friends a girl could ever have, each one special to me for so many reasons

my parents and grandparents for their strength and love

my extended family for the characters they are

my church family

love, without love there is nothing

honesty 

forgiveness when I need it

hope, because sometimes that is all we have

kindness, because it shows you care

the power of words

music

memories

laughter

and you.

Love,

tunes you need Tuesday: thankful edition

You know, there aren't enough Thanksgiving songs.  Why are there a brazillion Christmas songs, but the only Thanksgiving songs I know of are "10 Little Indians" and Adam Sandler's Thanksgiving song.  That's it.  

So, I thought I'd share Natalie Merchant's "Kind and Generous" for its theme of thanks.  It's a great song, uplifting, fun, and the video has great costumes.  I need the pink aerialist costume where Natalie's on the horse and trapeze  (although I'm more of a female cannonball, let's face it).  

I do love that song.  It brings to mind all the people in my life who have been a blessing to me.  We all have people who have made a difference in our lives, saved us from ourselves, and helped in a time of need.  I hope you've thanked those people and that you can be that person for someone else.   This is a perfect week to do so.