Oh, how true this card is.

I'm brining a turkey today. That means my turkey is taking a 24-hour bath in some good smelling stuff in my fridge before I throw it in the oven Thursday. Tomorrow is pie making day. We're only having my mother-in-law over for Thanksgiving dinner, but I feel the need to make two pies. One pie for them…

Okay, the turkey is brining. I forgot the candied ginger, but I suspect my non-foodie family will not notice (or care).

Tomorrow I will attempt using a vegetable peeler without injury. Just so you know, this is not a good week to be using sharp things.

Are white Russians an appropriate Thanksgiving drink? No reason.

What about mudslides?

When you go around the table to say what you're thankful for on Thanksgiving, go ahead and say "I'm thankful for you bitches." I've said it once this week to friends and it made them feel all warm and fuzzy inside, I just know it.

Uh-oh. Ocean's 11 just started. Why does this movie suck me in? I don't particularly like Brad Pitt. Clooney is the modern day Cary Grant and Matt Damon is adorable. It could only be better if Alec Baldwin were in it.

"I owe you from the thing with the guy in the place and I'll never forget it" is one of my favorite lines in any movie and it's from Ocean's.

Thanksgiving is my favorite practically all-carb holiday. Even the vegetables have carbs. And those french-fried onion things. No one buys those unless they're putting them on green bean casserole. Think about it. It's a grocery conspiracy. 

I asked Prof. Dr. Hiljary if Xtina Aguilera is the Prodigal Virgin because she always wears white on award shows. If someone doesn't name a band Prodigal Virgin, I will lose my faith in the interwebs. "Did you get that new Prodigal Virgin album?" See? Totally works. Come on, hipsters – I've named your new band.

Did I tell y'all about my cousin who posted pics of herself on Facebook during a tornado warning wearing a hard had and life jacket? I'll just let y'all think about that for a minute.

I thought I would give y'all my recipe for Harvest Margaritas for your Thanksgiving festivities. You will need to follow this recipe exactly. Take one margarita, put a piece of pumpkin in it. Pumpkins make everything harvest-themed, bitches!

I need pie.

1. Clairee and Ouiser from Steel Magnolias.

2. Evelyn Couch (Kathy Bates) and Ninny Threadgoode (Jessica Tandy) from Fried Green Tomatoes.

3. Harry and Sally from DO I REALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU?  DUH.

4. Jay and Silent Bob

5. and OMG the Fox and the Hound. Isn't that the best friendship movie of all time? Yes, it is – don't argue with me.

from ilovecharts

I quote movies often. I'm pretty sure this was in the 30 Days of Movies I did in May, so I'm sorry if I'm listing some again.

1. Pulp Fiction – lately it's "English, muthaeffa, do you speak it?" I say this when one of the kids says "huh?" but I leave out the "muthaeffa" part.

2. The Big Lebowski – usually "hey, careful man, there's a beverage here."

3. When Harry Met Sally – the whole movie.

4. Pretty in Pink – "applause applause APPLAUSE."

5. The Wizard of Oz – I'm partial to "I'm melting! I'm melting!" and "you have no power here, be gone!"

Y'all know I love the television. 

1. The Bravo

2. The Food Network

3. The History Channel

4. The Documentary Channel

5. A&E

Boring, aren't I?

1. Looney Toons

2. Jem and the Holograms

3. Superfriends

4. Scooby Doo

5. Tom & Jerry

If I did a list of the cartoons I watch now, My Little Pony – Friendship is Magic would be #1. Seriously, it's awesome. Here's the commercial.

Of all time or now? I need parameters. Whatever.

1. Grey's Anatomy

2. 30 Rock because of some of the best lines ever. "Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?" 

And my favorite:

3. Top Chef

4. House

5. Mad Men

Yesterday my nail lady glued my fake nail to my skin. I separtated it and it hurts. It hurts to type. Do you see how dedicated a blogger I am, people? 

Is it weird that my cookie jar is a big wooden pear? It's not kitchy, it's just a big wooden pear. 

One of my friends told me to look up her sister-in-law's facebook page, so I did. Her only two listed interests are: Dollar General and I Love My Husband. If I ever post that one of my interests is a discount store, please consider that a cry for help. 

So, I just called my husband at work to vent about the suckage that this day is and when I do that, I pretty much start bringing up things for no reason because I've gone off the deep end. I lose track of what I'm saying when I'm ranting. I ended the coverstation with "…AND REGIS IS QUITTING! NOT THAT I WATCH THAT SHOW ANYMORE, BUT STILL!" No topic is safe with me.

I broke my favorite coffee mug this morning. It was a white Starbucks mug, green on the inside, and held approximately 20 oz of coffee. It was the perfect mug. AND REGIS IS QUITTING!

Do you ever have a bad hair day? When you have a bad hair day does it look like when Whitney Houston was on a crack is whack-capade? That's what mine looks like right now. Like when Annie was still in the orphanage. Like when Diana Ross continued singing in the thunderstorm back in the day. Like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard Oz before the makeover.

I scored 100% on Pioneer Woman's St. Elmo's Fire quiz this morning. I'm going to put that on my resume if I ever make a resume again. 

Did y'all hear about Patti LaBelle losing it (allegedly) and cursing at a baby in the lobby of her apartment building? A mother let her baby walk around in Patti's presence and Patti yelled "What are you doing letting your kid run around like that?" and flicked water on the mother. Patti, let me say that I support you in this. I don't think people yell at babies enough. Babies are allowed to do whatever the hell they want and make offensive smells and drool drop Cheerios and cry in public and we're just supposed to accept that they're BABIES. Well, no more. I'm yelling "grow up you stupid baby!" at the next couple pushing a stroller down my street.

Do you think Ashton Kutcher will date Kim Kardashian now? I'm pulling for Demi and Justin Beiber.

I should probably make a Thanksgiving menu, right? I'm thinking pie.

Remember how last year I had my wisdom teeth pulled three days before Christmas and was in so much pain it got out of all family get-togethers? Any idea on what elective surgery I can have right before Christmas this year? 

Now, I know for most of these we will have to alter the space/time continuum (wow, did you see me spell that? lookout national spelling bee peeps) for me to see these bands in concert.

Let's get to it.

1. Ben Folds – tour, Ben, tour.

2. The Beatles – specifically the Rooftop Concert. Where is my DeLorean when I need it?

3. Aretha Franklin – it's okay, I know it's not going to happen because she's cancelled on me three times in the past 12 or so years. Yes, I take it personally.

4. REM. Let's have a moment of silence for this one.

5. The Lemonheads – man, that would be great.

Man, this is a hard one because I love the music and have committed way too many lyrics to memory. 

1. from "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" by Rufus Wainwright: "I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish/
a little bit tower of Pisa whenever I see you/so please be kind if I'm a mess"

2. from "Goodnight Elizabeth" by Counting Crows: "we couldn't all be cowboys/some of us are clowns/and some of us are dancers on the midway/we roam from town to town/I hope that everybody can find a little flame me, I say my prayers/then i just light myself on fire/and I walk out on the wire once again"

3. out of all The Beatles songs, this one gets stuck in my head ALL THE TIME, so let's have "She Came in Though the Bathroom Window" – "And so I quit the police department/And got myself a steady job/And though she tried her best to help me/She could steal but she could not rob." It also has the perfect McCartney "oooo–" and an "oh yeah" at the end. Love that. What? You need a refresher? Well, ok.

4. from "Pretty in Pink" by The Psychedelic Furs: "She doesn't have anything you want to steal/Well, nothing you can touch"

5. every word of "You Are the Everything" by REM. Perfect song.

Sometimes I feel like I can't even sing (say, say, the light) 
I'm very scared for this world 
I'm very scared for me 
Eviscerate your memory 
Here's a scene 
You're in the back seat laying down 
The windows wrap around 
To sound of the travel and the engine 
All you hear is time stand still in travel 
and feel such peace and absolute 
The stillness still that doesn't end 
But slowly drifts into sleep 
The stars are the greatest thing you've ever seen 
And they're there for you 
For you alone you are the everything 

I think about this world a lot and I cry 
And I've seen the films and the eyes 
But I'm in this kitchen 
Everything is beautiful 
And she is so beautiful 
She is so young and old 
I look at her and I see the beauty 
Of the light of music 
The voices talking somewhere in the house 
Late spring and you're drifting off to sleep 
With your teeth in your mouth 
You are here with me 
You are here with me 
You have been here and you are everything