L — The Legend of Billie Jean, 1985
This is one of my favorite incredibly bad movies. It stars not actually brother and sister duo, Helen Slater and Christian Slater, but brother and sister in the film (not confusing at all) and features Yeardly Smith, the future voice of Lisa Simpson.
This movie so bad that when Pat Benatar performs the movie’s song “Invincible” she states “this song is from the worst movie ever made.”
I need you to appreciate how bad the movie is and short of watching it with you, I’m giving you the full synopsis from Moviepedia.
One day, Texas teenager Billie Jean Davy (Helen Slater) rides with her brother Binx (Christian Slater) on a Honda Elite for a day at the local lake when a group of teenage boys, led by Hubie Pyatt (Barry Tubb) harass them and later steal Binx’s scooter after Binx humiliates him.
Billie Jean goes to the police with her friends Ophelia (Martha Gehman) & Putter (Yeardley Smith) to report the stolen scooter, but the police detective, Detective Ringwald (Peter Coyote) doesn’t take the complaint seriously. Binx attempts to get his scooter back himself, but comes home beaten and his scooter damaged.
Billie Jean, Binx and Ophelia visit Hubie’s father, Mr. Pyatt (Richard Bradford)’s shop to get $608.00 to repair Binx’s scooter. Mr. Pyatt attempts to sexually assault Billie Jean, but Binx taunts Mr. Pyatt with a gun and accidently fires it which hits Mr. Pyatt in the shoulder.
The three of them run away from the scene and become fugitives.
By the time Detective Ringwald realizes that he made a mistake in not listening to Billie Jean, the situation is spinning out of control. Throughout it all, Billie Jean wants only the $608 to fix her brother’s scooter and an apology from Mr. Pyatt.
With help from Lloyd Muldaur (Keith Gordon), the disgruntled teenage son of the district attorney, who voluntarily becomes her “hostage”, Billie Jean makes a video of her demands, featuring herself cutting off her long, blond hair into a crew cut as a sign of her rebellion.
As the media coverage increases, Billie Jean becomes a teen icon and young fans start looking up to her. Facing uncertain dangers (both physical and legal), Billie Jean is forced to turn in Putter and Ophelia in to the police for their safety.
When Mr. Pyatt issues a bounty for apprehending Billie Jean, she decides to turn herself into the police. In order to avoid unwanted attention, she and Binx arrive in the disguise. When the disguise fails, things escalate into an violent riot which results in Binx getting shot.
As Binx is taken away in an ambulance, Billie Jean confronts Mr. Pyatt and gets him to admit his actions that led to him being shot in his store. The onlookers (including Hubie), see how Billie Jean was exploited and destroy all of the Billie Jean merchandise and leave in disgust.
At the end of the film, Billie Jean and Binx find themselves far up in Vermont, looking for a new start.
Moviepedia
In case you missed it — Billie Jean cuts her long blond hair into a crew cut. WHY? Because she is inspired by a movie shrs watching at their new friend’s house a out freskibg Joan if Arc. Yes, running after demanding $608 dollars and shooting a man in the shoulder is exactly the same as the actual Saint Joan of Arc’s martyrdom, burned at the stake, for her role in the Hundred Years’ War. Exactly the same.
I hope you’ll watch this for the laughs.
Runners up: Lady and the Tramp, A League of Their Own, and my REAL favorite — Lost in Translation.
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