4.189/365: 47 things I know for sure

Today is my 47th birthday. I’ve been writing the things I know for sure for around a decade and I’ve learned a lot. A lot about the world, a lot about myself. Here’s to 47.

1. IYou can’t physically be swallowed by a whale because their throats aren’t big enough. Sperm whales are the only ones with a wide enough throat, but they spend most of their time at 10,000 feet deep, so you’re not going to run into one.
2. Yes, I know that was a weird one to start with, but I feel strongly about it.
3. Curbside pick-up is the greatest thing invented.
4. Ordering groceries for pick-up is my favorite thing.
5. If you live outside of Texas and haven’t experienced the wonder that is the grocery store, HEB, you are missing out. And really missing out on some amazing queso with brisket.
6. Putting off a vision test because you “haven’t had these glasses for long” is a really stupid thing because you could be reading things at all distances much better with another prescription.
7. Britney Spears should be out of her conservatorship.
8. You’re never too old to pick up a new hobby. I’m going to start slow stitching, a new-fangled embroidery.
9. You should get the Grammarly keyboard. It has autocorrect, but it’s smart. And as a bonus, it displays a happy face when you use a new/interesting word.
10. Not enough movies have someone say “Im getting too old for this shit” anymore.
11. Life is too short to wear cheap jewelry
12. Boring clothes are for boring people.
13. Being known for something unique is a good thing unless it’s a unique bad thing.
14. Andrew McCarthy’s book, Brat: an 80s Story, is a page-turner that you should read if you are a fan of the brat pack films.
15. Andrew and Emilio Estevez we’re not BFFs.
16. There is nothing like a head full of fresh color. Preferably red.
17. The Crown is phenomenal. Catch up on seasons 1-3, before 4 comes out (whenever that is).
18. I could never have lived in another time period. I am Thoroughly Modern Kerry.
19. People do not get into cults because they are stupid. No one signs up for a cult. They are groomed, love-bombed, and worked over.
20. Key Lime pie is the best summer pie. That’s what Im having instead of a birthday cake.
21. Sweet potato pie is the best fall pie, followed by pecan. I am not here for pumpkin foolishness.
22. The Cheez-It are superior to Goldfish. I said it.
23. Black Widow should have come out in 2017. Shame on Marvel for not making it sooner. It’s not a matter of release dates — it’s when it should have been made and released. More on this tomorrow.
24. John Mayer’s personal life may be a mess, but I do love his music.
25. Iced coffee is the best coffee. I said it.
26. Bottled Starbucks Frappuccino has no business calling itself Frappuccino. At best, it is wannabe iced coffee.
27. The Houston Astros are the best team in baseball right now and I’m not saying that because I live here.
28. The trailer to Respect, the Aretha biopic starting Jennifer Hudson, made me tear up.
29. Jennifer Hudson will win a Golden Globe and an Oscar for Respect. I also predict awards for the costumes. (The costumes are so freaking accurate it’s disgusting how good they look.)
30. I underestimated Kendra Scott’s jewelry. I’ve gotten a few pairs of silver earrings this year and they’re gorgeous. I dismissed her jewelry as pastels and weird shapes, but her silver stuff is great.
31. Tacos are for more than Tuesday. Tacos are for every day. I could probably eat them every day.
32. Scientology is a cult and should have its tax exemption revoked.
33. Only two MLB baseball fields are the same. They’re all a little bit different, which makes the game unlike any other.
34. If Bennifer is back together and gets married are we supposed to forget that they were married and had children in between their previous relationship/engagement? I am certain not the only one asking this question. I say we get Jennifer Garner and ARod together.
35. The FBI and various other sources estimate there are as many as 50 serial killers operating today.
36. But hey, don’t feel scared — in 1987, they estimated 198 active serial killers and we’re still here. Well, most of us.
37. Odorizzi is a funny name. He’s a pitcher for the Astros.
38. The MCU knows how to do television. Loki is great and WandaVision is unlike anything that’s ever aired. The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is a fantastic story. Both of those shows set up big stuff going forward.
39. Vanilla Coke is the superior Coke. Preferably from Sonic. Fact.
40. Qanon is a cult.
41. Subway should go back to the way the cut their bread back in the day. It was cut in a V shape and all your toppings stayed inside.
42. I want to own a baseball team in Florida called the Flamingoes and their colors will be pink and like green.
43. It’s time for sayings like “live laugh love” and “blessed” and such things to go in the recycling bin. Or fireplace.
44. “Five o’clock sonewhere” signs in your house don’t make you look cute, they make you sound like an alcoholic. Day drinking is only for vacations.
45. MLMs are cults.
46. Fireworks are the best. On a firework-related holiday.
47. All women can wear red lipstick, you just have to find the right red. I say this every year because I feel strongly about it. I wear it almost every day and every so often someone will say “Oh, I can’t wear red.” No, someone put an orange-red or a blue-red on you once and it convinced you it’s a color you can’t wear. Go to Ulta or Sephora and they will help you. I wore L’Oreal’s True Red today — get that for a start. And get started living your best red lip life.