242/365: NOTE: This is not a weight or fat loss product.

I came across an ad — maybe on Facebook, maybe elsewhere, for a product called “Fat Girl Slim” by a company called Bliss, so of course I clicked on it.

It’s a skin “firming” cream that diminishes “dimples,” which we all know is code for cellulite. Cellulite isn’t a bad word, come on. Every woman on earth eventually gets cellulite somewhere on her body. This is not unique to fat women. We only have more of it. It has caffeine in it, which must the the cellulite-busting ingredient. Now, I drink an awful lot of coffee — I didn’t know I was supposed to put it on the outside! My insides must be anorexic by now.

Then I saw this:

The Fat Girl Scrub. Lord knows fat girls can’t use the same scrubs as thin girls. If you can’t see the line underneath, it says “exfoliator for the not-so-perfect-parts.” I’m assuming it means the square-shaped birthmark on my knee, because that’s the only not-so-perfect-part I have. Oh, and it has pink Himalayan sea salt, which is way different than Kosher salt. I’m sure it tastes great, but what would I know — this goes on the outside of your body.

But wait — this one is my favorite. I didn’t include the product photo, just the description because it’s the NIGHTTIME Fat Girl Slim Firming Cream. I guess it’s caffeine-free because OMG what if the caffeine keeps my cellulite awake?

I highlighted the most ridiculous part in the photo.

THIS IS NOT WEIGHT OR FAT LOSS PRODUCT.

Then why are they selling it to fat girls, with FAT GIRL in the product title. There are all kinds of Fat Girl line products — one for abs, one that is actually called Lovehandler Waist Targeted Cooling Gel. LOVEHANDLER, y’all! Lovehandler, brother of the Hamburglar. Lovehandler, the chubby-chasing villain in the next Bond film.

It probably didn’t fly to well because when I went to the parent company’s website, Bliss, the Fat Girl products are now titled “Fab Girl.”

Which is what it should have been called all along.

Of course it works best in combination with healthy eating and exercise because a cream or scrub can’t make numbers move on a scale.