As I’ve done in previous years, this is my stream of consciousness post on the Oscars (my Super Bowl).
What is Giuliana Rancic wearing and does she think she’s attending the ceremony? because she’s not?
Who even wears a train?
Can Nicole Kidman sit in that dress? Will it stab the people sitting next to her?
7 minutes in and the husband is already asleep.
Poor Viola’s dress is so tight she can barely walk. I’ve been there.
Guy thanked his cats.
Did Laura Derby just call Greta Gerwig “Betty?”
I love the sparkly arch above the stage. I think that would work on the arch in my living room. I need that.
Taraji P. Henson picked up some black gauze on the way and put a belt on it, then draped it over her shoulders.
Mary K. kills it as always.
Do I want pie? The husband got a three-berry pie?
Lots of men in velvet tonight. Very High Hefner.
Dude. You are too old for a soul patch.
I like the spouses who video their spouses accepting their Oscars LIKE IT’S NOT BEING RECORDED.
Did anyone see Coco?
I still haven’t seen Black Panther. I’m the only one in North America who hasn’t seen it.
Rita Moreno bringing back the turban. I want to wear them. They would save me a fortune in hair products.
I always feel lost when they do the award for Best Foreign Film. They show two seconds of the film that gives us no idea what it’s about and no doubt — it has to be the oddest part of the film. Girl sitting on a subway. Kid walking across a square drawn in chalk. Huh?
Another velvet jacket.
I don’t understand The Shape of Water. I don’t want to understand it. Just no.
Well, the Star Wars jokes fell flat.
Kobe Bryant just won an Oscar. I wish you could see my face right now.
Is the Coco woman wearing a cape? She’s wearing a cape.
My boyfriend, Matthew McConaheyhey is in a velvet jacket because it was apparently mandatory tonight.
Armie Hammer is in ALL velvet ox blood red because he misread the memo.
Hot dog canons. How do I get one of those?
Maya Rudolph can do no wrong. I can’t hate on that big red bathrobe she’s wearing.
Man bun. 12 o’clock. The UK didn’t hear that those have been outlawed now.
Selma Hayek’s dress designer bought that dress from Dillard’s and sewed some rhinestone necklaces on it from Claire’s.
I officially do not understand the outfits this year.
Wait. The writer of Call Me by Your Name‘s shirt has a sketch of a person on it. What’s up with that?
No way can Nicole Kidman sit in that dress. And some of these bustlines are bizarre.
What is this salute to military movies? Yes, thank you to the military, but that was odd.
Have they done the dead people montage yet? Because that’s my favorite part. Obviously.
That semi-joke never gets old (every year).
Best Cinematography dude just seriously said “I want to thank my wife for whatever.” I want to have that kind of love.
Dammit to hell. I missed the dead people montage. RIP dead film-related people.
Is it me or is Jane Fonda looking like Willem DaFoe?
Maybe?
Did I tell y’all that Get Out scared me to death?
Good for Gary Oldman. I’m glad that swamp thing whatever the fuck wasn’t nominated.
Ok. I’m heading to bed. This was a boring Oscars. And that’s saying a lot. It made it hard to make jokes
Thanks for reading.
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