It's the Golden Globes, people. I hope you dressed for the occasion. I'm in my hot pink robe with ruffles, so I'm probably overdressed. You people just don't know the preparation I put into this occasion. With the ruffled hood of my robe I look like a supercute Jedi, Obi-Wan Kerrobie. Dorktacular.
Time to refresh your memory of the nominees. Don't worry, the only film I've seen that's nominated is Toy Story 3. I don't get to the theater as often as I'd like, but I had no interest in Black Swan. I can't stand birds. The Social Network? I'm on Facebook all day, I pretty much know the plot. Apparently Inception was about dreams. I also have a movie coming out about dreams, it's called Dayuuuum and I can't talk about it.
Here we go! Remember to refresh the page every couple of minutes for my latest idiotic commentary. Oh, and forgive me for typos, live-blogging is fast, hard work and I am neither fast nor hard-working.
5pm – Ryan Seacrest is pointing to chairs with the stars' pics in them. I can't believe I have to tolerate him for 2 hours.
5:02 – It's 80 degrees in Hollywood. Seacrest says he is sweating. Gross. A sweaty Seacrest?
5:03 – Olivia Wilde from House and probably other stuff is wearing a dress by Marchesa. It's sparkly, like the sweaty Seacrest! Oh, she is in Tron. I wouldn't know about that b/c I didn't see it.
5:05 – Ugh, I don't like Guiliana either. Does E! purposely hire the most annoying people they can find. I know that's mean, but I'm a horrible person. Ah, Kelly Osborne. I can tolerate her. Bring on more celebrities, I am already bored.
5:07 – The Seacrest has Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang Theory – another show I've never seen. She's wearing an engagement ring, but she's not engaged. Dumb. Her dress is gauzy.
5:09 – I have a headache. I blame The Seacrest.
5:12 – Oh dear, they have limo-cam. Why? I love that most of the celebrities don't show up 'til the last minute so the hosts just say hi to each other and pitch back to the carpet, up to the sky box, back to the carpet.
5:14 – is that Paula Abdul?
5:15 – Commercial for some gum just said the average person has 21 first kisses. Interesting. I'm no expert, but is 37 a high number? No reason.
5:19 – JLove Hewitt. Her dress looks like she has a bowl at the top. Which is nice if you don't want to carry a purse. Wait – JLove wrote a book???? Everyone can get published except for me. Good grief.
5:21 – some cute blond guy who is in Thor. He's in a tux and his tie is crooked.
5:22 – Katie Lee Joel is wearing an orange dress with candy corn at the neck. I love candy.
5:23 – First Alec Baldwin sighting of the night.
5:23- the stars show up and NOW you go to commercial?
5:25 – still can't believe they cut away from Baldwin. Seacrest, I blame you.
5:26 – Puck from Glee. He's rockin' the mowhawk. Do you think he has bad hair? Is that it? Seacrest asks him if he's like his character on Glee – YES RYAN, he's done a stint in juvie and knocked up a cheerleader.
5:28 – The Big Band Theory guy who kind of reminds me of Pee Wee Herman. AND BALDWIN is on the carpet. He did a cool pose. Hi, Alec.
5:29 – Bring on Baldwin. How do you spell "ooo uh uhn"? They're talking about politics. Seacrest, ask him about me. Throw a girl a bone. Seriously. I hate you, Seacrest. He called Baldwin a diva. I will slap you down, short man.
5:31 – Baldwin took the short man's mic away. I love you, Alec.
5:33 – James Cahn's son. He's short too. Is this the short guy awards? His girlfriend says he snores. I do not want to know about that. Where is Clooney?
5:35 – Elizabeth Moss from Mad Men. She looks great. She's nervous, playing with her purse. Love the green on her.
5:36 – Quinn from Glee. She was in Burlesque, but I wouldn't know that because I didn't see that either. What is with the nude dresses? This is like the 3rd nude dress.
5:37 – Ricky Gervais, the GG host. Wearing sunglasses. And Helena Bonham Hobo gets out of her limo, hair is crazy.
5:40 – I'm so glad tomorrow is a holiday. I'm going to need a day to recuperate from this.
5:43 – Natalie Portman in pink. Very nice.
5:43 – Girl with heavy bangs from Modern Family. Bad posture. Girls, if you're going to walk the red carpet, learn good posture. Friendly advice from your Aunt Ree Ree.
5:44 – Piper Perabo from a show I don't know. Big bow on her shoulder. Pony tail. She said she wants to keep who she is dating a secret. Honey, you're not that famous.
5:46 – Julie Bown said "everything looks better in a Spank." Spanx are not singular. She's also wearing a nudish color. Gray/nude. And the redhaired guy from Modern Family. Oh dear Lord, The Seacrest said he had to pee. He is so obnoxious.
5:49 – Johnny Gasomething from The Big Bang Theory. Blah blah blah, whatever. Is Clooney even coming?
5:51 – Dear sweet mother of the Witches of Eastwick, what is Helena Bonham Hobo wearing? She looks deranged.
5:52 – I want The Seacrest to interview The Hobo and ask her which metal institution she's going home to tonight.
5:55 – Lea Michelle from Glee. In pink. I thought it was a big bow at the top, but no, it's a pink waterfall of fabric. I knew I made a good decision wearing ruffles tonight.
5:56 – Natalie Portman's dress is pretty, but if I had a pink satin sheet and a rose I could duplicate that in 2 minutes. The Seacrest asked the audience to tweet suggestions for the baby's name.
5:58 – Jimmy Fallon and Jason Seigel showing The Seacrest that he is in fact an Oompa Loompa.
6:00 – Carrie Underwood approves of their singing. Oh good. Either it's my tv or her dress is nudish too. It has a train. Jake Gylenhaaaaaal is waiting to talk to The Seacrest. Jake, don't wait.
6:02 – Jake is wearing a beard. I can't say that I like the beard on him. Nope, don't like it. Wait – he's naked in a movie? Which movie? Dammit Seacrest, you are no help to me. They're talking about Viagra. Seacrest, you are vulgar and I do not approve.
6:04 – Blond woman in a peach dress from Easy A, a movie that Prof. Dr. Hillary recently told me about. She also had bad posture.
6:05 – Eva Longoria's boobs are not playing nice in her dress. Oh dear. Someone tell her. Get some tape.
6:06 – the Hobo is wearing one red shoe and one green shoe. That woman is not right. I say that with all the love in the world. Well, not all the love. I have to save some for Baldwin.
6:08 – this Dentyne commercial about safe breath needs to die with death. I still say 21 or whatever is a low number.
6:10 – it's Nicole Kidman and her much-highlighted short husband Keith Urban. Keith, I'm telling you as a friend, it's time for a new hairdo.
6:11 – Justin Bieber and his babysitter.
6:13 – Marky Mark just got out of a limo. Jane Krakowski and Jane Lynch. One Jane is preggo. Guess which. Like her dress. Blue gray. I wish JLynch would kick The Seacrest.
6:15 – I'm hungry. Ryan Gosling and a bearded balding man. This interview is horrible. Sofia Varga from Modern Family looks fantastic. Looks like a corsetted back, red and black, showing the curves.
6:17 – Katherine Zeta Jones forgot to do her hair. Michael Douglas looks great as always. KZJ looks a little like Morticia Adams with the hair like that. Not a good look.
6:19 – Sofia again. In Vera Wang. Gorgeous. Is it me or were they shooting her from above? Was that cleavage-cam? I wouldn't doubt it. They have glam-cam and limo-cam.
6:22 – Oh Em Gee. How is it only 6:22. Feels like I've been blogging since 1977.
6:26 – Brad and Angelina. She's in a horrible green Versace. Yes, I said horrible. Mila Kunis from Black Swan. Also in green. The Seacrest is asking about the sex scenes. I told you he was vulgar.
6:28 – isn't it weird when you hear Hugh Laurie speak in his English accent? I'm so used to hi sarcastic American accent.
6:29 – Robert Downey Jr in overgrown hair. Love him, hair has to go.
6:31 – Sofia in the glam cam. Kelly Osborne and some guy named George are talking about her booty. George said "look at her booty." Honey, you can't help but look at her booty.
6:32 – Finn from Glee. I am not a fan of bowties that are not black with tuxes.
6:33 – Claire Danes in hot pink Calvin Klein. No bra. i don't know what she's nominated for. Big shock.
6:35 – Tina Fey looks nice. Oh – Jon Hamm. Michelle Williams was in an interesting dress, but they cut away of course.
6:37 – a long preview of the new Natalie Portman/Ashton Kutcher movie about friends with benefits. I think there are two movies about that coming out, so you only need to see one of them.
6:40 – Halle Berry in a dress with sheer fabric at the bottom and big slits. Kind of predictable. Halle looks great in color, I wish she would have worn color. What on earth is Anne Hathaway wearing? Holy mother of shoulderpads, she is channeling Alexis!
6:41 – Anne, did Rachel Zoe pick this? Fire her. The bodice is ill fitting.
6:42 – Megan Fox and David Silver from 90210.
6:43 – JLo is wearing a sheer and rhinestone cape because she thinks she's some kind of Latin superheroine. Super JLo!
6:44 – Xtina Aguilerrra is sheer and black AND BOOBS! Guiliana asked her what she has coming up next – clearly her boobs are coming up – out of her dress. She said she hopes her son will be happy with her body of work. Poor word choice, Xtina.
6:47 – ScarJo in a wacky nude dress.
6:50 – Marky Mark from the Funky Bunch. Something something boxing something good vibrations something just a sweeeet sensation something something.
6:52 – Johnny Depp is chewing gum. Really, you can't take him anywhere.
6:53 – January Jones once again forgot to wear her whole dress and is wearing strips of fabric over her bra. I hate it when that happens. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to wear a top when I've gone out.
6:56 – C'mon c'mon feel the vibration. Sorry, I can't help it.
6:57 – Really? 28 first kisses?
6:59 – Kelly Osborne said her fave dress of the night was Angelina's. She must owe her. Maybe she's promised Angie her first born child. Ang doesn't have an English baby, so that would make sense.
7 – channel change!
7:01 – does anyone think I'll last through the whole show? Me neither. Ricky Gervais is talking about Charlie Sheen. Joke about The Tourist. He joked that he hasn't seen it – that makes me feel better. Johnny is still chewing gum. "Do you want to go see Cher in concert? No. Why not? Because it's not 1975." Ha. Joke about the Sex and the City 2 poster. Fantastic. I think some people aren't laughing. Some people are so serious.
7:05 – Joke about Hugh Hefner's penis. No, I'm definitely no going to make it through the whole show.
7:06 – No, still don't like ScarJo's dress. Best Supporting Actor. Christian Bale, Michael Douglas, Andrew Garfield, Jeremy Renner, Geoffrey Rush. My boy Christian Bale. You know, he will always be Patrick Bateman to me. And The Batman. I hope that hair is for a role, because he's looking a little like Jesus. He's giving a shout-out to Marky Mark. You know he wants to call him Marky Mark.
7:09 – LL Cool J is on a tv show? Best Actress in a tv Drama. I'm not naming all the nominees again. That was like actual work. I don't watch any of the shows these actresses are in, so whatev. Katey Segal won. Her dress is all kinds of awful. Like unfortunately shiny and bad and the color hurts my eyes. CUE THE MUSIC.
7:13 – I should get something for dinner. This is going to be a long night. And hell, it's a Beyonce commercial.
7:19 – A movie called Carlos about something just won.
7:20 – Did anyone else make nachos during the commercial break. I love nachos.
7:21 – I love that Ricky Gervais just introduced Bruce Willis by all of his movies that bombed and called him Ashton's dad. Bruce needs to be a Bond villain. He's introducing the movie Red, nominated for Best Comedy. Look, it's two actors in that Country Strong movie I've never heard of. Best Actor in a Comedy goes to Chris Colfer from Glee. He is genuinely surprised and I am happy for him.
7:26 – it was Best Supporting Actor for Chris. Still fantastic.
7:30 – Another tacky joke from Gervais. I have no love for that. The head of the Hollywood Foreign Press zinged him back. Good for him.
7:33 – Kevin Bacon and Mila Jovasomethingavich presenting Best Actor in a Drama. This is a tough category. My Jon Hamm is in it. Nope, it goes to Steve Buschemi. I didn't like Dexter's beard. I know his name isn't Dexter, but I don't want to get his name wrong because I like him. Steve is talking about Tootie, his nephew. I'm going to nickname someone Tootie tomorrow just for fun.
7:37 – Best tv Series Drama goes to Boardwalk Empire. The show Steve just won for. I'm sure it's a perfectly wonderful show, but I would like to see Jon Hamm on stage. Is Marky Mark up there too? Say wha? Oh, he's a producer.
7:43 – Andrew Garfield is having a hard time with the teleprompter. This is your next Spiderman, America.
7:45 – Alec Baldwin and JLo. GAWD, I loathe her. Best Original Song. I don't know any of the songs. Do you realize how odd that is? Out of everyone I know, I'm the music girl. This is just odd. OF course I wouldn't see any of the movies nominated, but still. Diane Warren won. She wore a girl tux. Who knew Trent Reznor was scoring films now? Interesting.
7:53 – It's almost time for a white Russian. Did I tell y'all we're having white Russians tonight? Go make one, I'll wait.
7:55- Best Animated Film with Justin Beiber and a girl with a ponytail. YAY! the only movie I've seen that was nominated won. Toy Story 3 was the feel good movie of the year. And I'm the definite authority on that. Ew gross – Angelina had her head on Brad's shoulder. Ick. Everyone they show in the audience is doing something with their mouth. Jesse Eisenberg and Natalie Portman were doing things with their mouths. I don't mean talking. Don't listen to me.
8:00 – I like the RD Jr said he doesn't think an actress can do their best work until they've slept with him. He's a peach.
8:05 – I'm pretty sure this is the first time "sperm donor" has ever been used in a GG acceptance speech.
8:09 - Did you get your beverage?
8:10 – Sylvester Stallone no longer looks like a real person. He introduced The Fighter. Man, Bale looks bad in this movie. See, lose weight, look like death and you too can win an award!
8:12 – Al Pacino, please lighten up this show. Nope, he's not gonna do it. I guess when you make a movie about Jack Kevorkian you have to be all serious. Like he's going to kill you if you crack a smile.
8:16 – hold up. JLove Hewitt was nominated in the same category as Dame Judi Dench? We are living in strange times. She wrote a book and was nominated for a GG. My brain is going to explode.
8:21 – did you just see the Ritz commercial with Guy Fieri showing off his Ritz Cheesesteak Sliders? I may throw up. Oh, and the Sliders looked gross too.
8:23 – my dear friend Syralja just informed me that JLove also sings. She is truly a renaissance woman. I say that because she also vajazzles and we know that takes talent.
8:25 – Okay, now that I see Tina Fey's dress again, it's awful. She and Steve Carrell are funny. About The Social Network, "I heard about that movie on Facebook from a friend I've never met." Steve is funny. I just said that.
8:28 – I love Aaron Sorkin, "smart girls have more fun." So true.
8: 30 – Jane Lynch wins for Glee! She said she is nothing but falsely humble. I love her. Thank you, Jane for making me laugh.
8:36 – Best Foreign Language Film. The woman who won for her Danish movie is shaking. Why did they just show The Seacrest in the audience? I was in a good mood.
8:40 – Helen Mirren introducing The King's Speech. Colin Firth is dreamy.
8:41 – Best Actress in a Comedy. Laura Linney isn't there to accept her award for The Big C, a show I have never seen. Why am I even watching? Ooo – the accountants! I'm watching to see the accountants!
8:45 – Nope, can't do it. That is all, people. Enjoy the Globes.
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