I do not believe in horoscopes.
Horoscopes are written in a vague manner to purposely make you say to yourself, "self, I HAVE been working too hard lately! I DO need a vacation!" You will never open the newspaper and read this: Cancer – Did you make that dermatologist appointment? Those moles aren't going to come off themselves, honey. And see what he can do about that situation under your eyes because I haven't seen bags like that since Christmas, girl.
Here comes the confessional part of today's blog. When I was I don't know, 17 and stupid and looking for answers in anything and everything, I bought a huge horoscope book and learned everything about my sign, Cancer. It should come to no surprise to you that my sign is the crab. Hilarious. At the time, I had no doubt that everything in my daily horoscope somehow applied to my life. This went on for six months or so until I was reading the Sunday paper (always an avid newspaper reader) and for the first time read ALL of the daily horoscopes and realized they could apply to anyone. It was like the opposite of the end of How The Grinch Stole Christmas, because my heart shrank three sizes that day. I was bummed and cynical. I'd spent six months believing that crap. Maybe I should be glad I learned this at an early age, because there are grown ass people who believe in that crap. My apologies if you are a grown ass person who believes in that crap, but I'm only here to help.
This post was inspired by something that is just THERE when I check my Yahoo email, my horoscope. I didn't ask for it, it's just THERE. I read it, laughed, then looked for a couple of more of today's Cancer horoscopes to show you the f*ckery. I don't know if I've told you this before, but f*ckery is one of my favorite words. You're welcome. Oh, and the italicized parts are my comments, for your consideration.
It's all about money today, at least as far as you're concerned. Your mind isn't always on the material world, but for now, it's a good idea to wrangle your finances and prepare for the future.
SAY WHAT? It's never all about money for me. Prepare for the future? I'm going to be rolling in the BLOG BOOK money by then, baby.You feel that you've been fighting for a deeper understanding of what you want or believe in. You are now sure to become clear, decisive, and self directed about where you want to be in this respect. This is a great time for setting goals and beginning the journey towards reaching them. SAY WHAT? This is lame and can apply to anyone. Well, unless you're on death row or something, because your journey's pretty much set.
The inventive Aquarius Moon can prompt us to solve a complex problem in an unconventional manner. But our originality won't necessarily help us convince others of the validity of our answers as the Moon forms tense aspects with several planets today. Although we won't likely feel satisfied with the results, we still might accomplish more than we realize with Mars now beginning to build momentum since it turned direct just a couple of days ago. SAY WHAT? I'm not astronomer and all I know is that Venus and Mars are alright tonight, Paul McCartney said so in 1975, baby.
Sweet mother of the Death Star, were those a bunch of bullshit or what? The last one was just confusing. I just felt like throwing in one of my favorite McCartney and Wings tunes in for fun.
Because I'm self-diagnosed ADD, I have to blog, then read other things online, come back to the blog, etc. While perusing The Onion, I noticed their horoscope section. Oh, goody! Finally I have found a horoscope that is scarily accurate: The human mind is a thing of startling beauty. Unfortunately yours is mostly filled with old phone numbers and minor celebrity trivia.
You have no idea.
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