All my life I've been a writer. I use that term loosely. I'm a writer-girl. When I was seven, I wrote and illustrated my first book; it was about a turtle, written on 17 sheets of yellow paper and written in blue ink. I've always written short stories, lots and lots of fiction, some non-fiction, journals, poetry, and a novel. And a blog.
While I've never pursued getting a literary agent (and honestly, now I'd have to do a major re-write on the entire novel), I did send copies of my book off years ago to the big publishing houses, only to get rejection form letters in return. So, I can't say that I didn't try, and it won't be the end of my writing career either. I have much more to say, whether I say it on this blog, where I make exactly zero dollaroonies, or if I have a novel published one day and make it to the top of the New York Times Bestsellers List. Seeing my name on a best anything list would be great.
I think about writing much of the time. To be a good writer you have to read, thus, I read quite a bit. I don't get to read as much fiction as I used to, but I read a good deal of news articles, essays, and blogs. I visit Neatorama just about everyday for fun as well and something they wrote about books caught my eye today. They mentioned The Weird Book Room at Abe Books. I read through the titles of the books on this site and kept thinking "and I can't get a book published." I'm assuming you haven't heard of these books either, so I feel it is my duty to show them to you as well.
It's really too bad Christmas has come and gone because How Green Were the Nazis? would have made a great gift for one of my good friends. I'm thinking with all the gassing and murdering in the Holocaust, the Nazis weren't all that green. But I could be wrong. Maybe they were driving electric cars and shit. Maybe Hitler was an 'effing vegan and only ate free range lettuces and used cruelty-free mustache wax. That's probably why he was so pissed off, he just wanted a burger. What are you going to tell me next? The Nazis were just misunderstood? They were all about lowering your carbon footprint? Look for my new book, How Much Does Al-Qaeda Love Kittens, due in bookstores this May!
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I am nothing if not a sports nut (and that I am a fan of the sarcasm). What I love about this book is that it combines my love of bowling with hypnosis. How You Can Bowl Better Using Self-Hypnosis sounds like the most helpful of all the self-help books ever written. What's good about this book is that if you follow the directions to the letter, the best thing that could happen is that you could end up being the best bowler of our generation and make the big bucks on the pro tour and get hot chicks (hey, pro-bowlers can get hookers just like Tiger Woods, they just have to pay for them). The worst thing that could happen if you use this book is that every time you hear the sound of pins being reset you'll cluck like a chicken and you'd attract strange looks.
"But Kerry, I'm not a bowler," you say. Have I got the book for you. This is the book for everyone. Benjamin Franklin said, "The only things certain in life are death and taxes," and it goes without saying you know someone who will need a coffin at some point in the future. Why not start a new hobby? Do It Yourself Coffins for Pets and People will teach you what you need to know about building that perfect eternal resting place. A lot of people agonize over what to do over the loss of a pet, but with this book, you'd have a plan. I'm not sure what the coffin size range is, though. So, don't sue me if you can't make coffin for your pet dwarf hamster. Speaking of size ranges, be careful if you intend to give this coffin to a loved one as a gift. If she catches you measuring her shoulders, she might think you're getting her something cheesy, like a set of football pads. Nothing quite says "I care about you, alive or dead" than a coffin. You know, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, better get started.
Maybe you're thinking more about your eternal salvation than your eternal resting place. The Beverly Hillbillies Bible Study Guide may be just what you've always wanted, but never knew existed. Frankly, I find this blasphemous. Not about God, about the Beverly Hilbillies, that show was awesome. You may not know this, but I grew up in the lower-middle class, not even middle-middle, in a less than 1000 square foot, one bathroom house (in what is now pretty much the ghetto). When I was a kid, I was loved, and being a kid, I didn't know we were poor. That is until I saw the Beverly Hillbillies and their "cement pond." I didn't know anyone with a swimming pool until my grandparents got one (above ground, you know, I mean, they weren't MADE of money) when I was ten. I can only assume that the Hillbillies can teach you more about Jesus than any high falutin' gilded-eded Bible study book could.
While we're on the subject, you know, Jesus loves me (it's a song, look it up) and I love Him right back. I'd be Pope if I could, but alas, I'm a woman and I'm not Catholic, so that's out. But if
I were running for Pope, I'd definitely get this book, How to be Pope: What to Do And Where to Go Once You're In The Vatican. You'd think they'd just publish one or two of these and pass them down or something. I'm sure there is quite a bit to know about the job, seriously — can you imagine the training video? Good Lord. Anyway, I think this would be a good book just to have on hand if you're a Catholic male because you can never be too prepared, now can you? It could be like Publisher's Clearinghouse and they just show up at your door in Pasadena with the Popemobile and the giant hat and say, "come on, Rusty, it's your turn!" Plus, I'm no Vatican scholar, but I think it's about time there's been a Pope Rusty from Pasadena.
You know I've saved the most disturbing for last. 50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner is something I saw and said "and I can't get a book published."
A Mr. B. Koz wrote a book about how men can use pads and tampons to prove, essentially, how much testosterone men have. Please tell me men aren't shooting ducks with tampon bullets. That's what the cover looks like. "Woo-hoo! Hey, Carl — did you see how I put that Tampax Pearl in that mallard's ass? I love huntin' with these things! Carl, you DID pack the tea sandwiches, didn't you? For pete's sakes, I hope you used the cranberry mayo this time."
I repeat, and I can't get a book published.
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