Dear Santa,
Hi, it's Kerry in Louisiana. I know I haven't written in a couple of decades, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to send a letter your way, it being your time of year and all. How have you been? I hope you've been well, I know it can't be easy managing the elves and reindeer and Mrs. Claus and having to be jolly the whole time. Holiday stress can be a bitch, but I'm sure you've got it under control (probably with a nice beverage or two if you know what I mean). I'll be sure and put out a hot toddy with the cookies for you. Or would you rather some pralines? Maybe brownies?
So, here's why I'm writing. Let's not fool ourselves, I've been as good as can be expected. I think we both know it's been a rough few decades months and I'm trying to be good, really, I am. It's just stressful — this parenting stuff, not that you would know about that, not having children yourself. Believe me, I'm not judging because I don't know the details — maybe you and Mrs. Claus had infertility issues or decided against having kids (not that I'd blame you some days). Anyway, the suburban mom thing is to probably to blame for whatever may knock me off the "good" list, so really, that should be a reflection of my three children and you should bring them coal. Forget the Nintendo DSes — just bring coal. And switches.
Now onto what I'd like. I have a list that maybe only you can handle, so knock yourself out. If come Christmas morning some of my list isn't complete, I'll know you tried and that's all I can ask for. I appreciate the effort.
- Peace on Earth, but more importantly, peace in my house because I'm about to call Blackwater Special Ops to bust up some of the foolish arguments between my children.
- Mary Poppins for a nanny. I know she's a fictional character, but I'm pretty sure you are too and I don't hold that against you.
- A McDonalds Egg Nog Milkshake. They don't make them anymore.
- The power to communicate telepathically. I don't think I need to explain that one.
- Time to myself. I realize this may mean gaps in space-time continuum, but I really don't understand what that means being that I barely made it out of algebra and dropped physics in college on the first day of class.
- An end to the Disneyfication of music. I simply cannot take it.
- Lane Bryant to make more pants in petite.
- A houseboy. I'm not picky, he could look like Hugh Grant, Alec Baldwin, or George Clooney.
That pretty much sums it up. I hope you have the recipe for the Egg Nog shake, I'm assuming you do since you're Santa. Maybe I should ask for recipe to Popeye's Red Beans and Rice, but I don't want to get too crazy.
See you on Christmas Eve.
Love,
kerryfaler.blog 