I don't know if you heard, but I've been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in the lesser known among prizes, Dumb Blog Category. Sure, it's not as sexy as the Nobel Peace Prize (which I was also nominated for, being that I haven't murdered anyone in the 35 years I've been annoyed by people) or some of the other prizes, and hell, I don't even get a gold statue like at the Oscars. It was just an honor to be nominated, so you can imagine my reaction when I got the call. It went a little something like this:
Me: Hello.
Nobel Prize People: May I speak to Kerry Branton Faler?
Me: For real.
NPP: Um, okay. Mrs. Faler, this is Georg with the Nobel Prize for Literature Committee.
Me: What the hell kind of name is Gay-org? Is this a joke?
Georg: It's Swedish, I'm Swedish — listen, I'm calling to congratulate you for winning our Prize for Literature in the blog category.
Me: Cool! What do I win?
Georg; A medal.
Me: A medal? Like a gold medal? Like the freakin' Olympics? Hell yeah, it's about time. My blog is like a damn decathlon of awesome.
Gerog: Well, it's gold-plated.
Me: I'm more of a silver person or platinum, of course.
Georg: You don't get to pick, Mrs. Faler.
Me: Alright. This is in Sweden right? Do I win like a Ikea gift card or something? I do love the Ikea. You know, Georg, you could live in an Ikea. Really, they have food and everything.
Georg: No, just the medal and there's a reception —
Me: I hope there are Swedish meatballs. Those are some good.
Georg: The menu hasn't been set yet — Mrs. Faler, I take it you accept?
Me: Hellz yeah! I'm there! Oh, which post was the winning one or is more of a cumulative thing?
Georg: The award is —
Me: I bet is was my Christmas post about when I got the Crown Royal bag of change from one of my aunts. Good times, good times.
Georg: No —
Me: Oh, the New Year's post about when I was stuck at the party when I was 17 and got a ride home from Ray Ray and Tiny? Ah, memories.
Georg; No —
Me: The Eff-it List? That was funny. Or maybe y'all go for the more meaningful stuff like my Carry That Weight Post? I thought that was some mighty fine writing if I do say so myself. I mean, it was the Semi-Serious Kerry, not the Silly Kerry that writes about way too much about boobs and naked people furniture and 80's post-punk music. Hey Georg, you know a good band who was Swedish and kinda cool — Roxette. I haven't written about them. Yet. Maybe one of my music posts won. I write like two of those a week, but I wouldn't think those would be Prize worthy. I mean, not when I write such gems as the post on my Thanksgiving trip to Shreveport last year and that insanity, oh and the Ghetto Sno-Kone mobile. Georg, my blog posts are like my children, I can't pick a fave, you know what I mean? Come on, Georg, don't leave a sistah hangin'.
Georg: uh
Me: Georg? Grand Master G, you there?
Georg: Mrs. Faler, it is, as you said, more of a cumulative thing.
Me: Ah, gotcha. Have you ever read my blog, Georg?
Georg: No, Mrs. Faler, I just make the phone calls.
Me: Oh, okay. So, you have no idea what I've been talking about?
Georg: No, Mrs. Faler.
Me: Well, Georg, you'll have to excuse me, I have this undiagnosed-as-of-yet form of Tourette Syndrome, where I talk with absolutely no editing filter, saying potentially embarrassing things. Like all the time.
Georg: I don't think that's a real disease.
Me: Oh, I beg to differ, Georg. If I didn't have it, why would I have said the words "Hello Kitty vibrator" while having lunch with friends a couple of months ago? I mean, normal people don't just blurt that out over pizza, Georg.
Georg: No, of course not.
Me: And I didn't even realize I said it until I told another friend and she said "you said 'Hello Kitty vibrator' out loud in front of so and so" and I said yes, because I obviously cannot control it and like that sort of thing just comes up in conversation. That's what I'm talking about — having no editing filter, so just ignore what I said about boobs and naked people furniture, okay?
Georg: What kind of blog did you say you write?
Me: Shouldn't you have that in your handy-dandy info, Georg?
Georg: My information says that you write a hobby blog on scrapbooking.
Me: Yeah, about that — it started out being about that, but kind of went in a different direction, hence the "lagniappe" part. That means "a little something extra," except that my blog is mostly lagniappe. And clothes and Beyonce and sometimes I live-blog stuff and talk about the crap you can buy in the Sky Mall catalog. Oh, and sometimes I even post something about scrapbooking.
Georg: It was a pleasure speaking with you, Mrs. Faler, but I have to call a few more Prize winners now.
Me: Same here, Georg. Hey, you know — you should show up with balloons and a giant check like the Publisher's Clearing House people, that would be cool.
Georg: But we give medals —
Me: I can't wait for those meatballs, Georg! You take care now!
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