As longtime readers know, I am nothing if not subtle. Of course, that couldn't be further from the truth — it's a joke, people. However, I do know the difference between subtlety and a big dose of harshness. There are few things in life worse than trying to get your point across and appearing like you're speaking with a megaphone. Some of us are naturally loud crass creatures while others are mild-mannered and tactful. And while my usual motto is "more is more," today's lesson is "less is more."
In real life, I'm a fairly normal person. I guess. I'm not a very good judge, so maybe I'm kind of normal, I don't know — is it normal to want to be Endora from Bewitched when I'm older? Anywitch, I suppose I'm not exactly the low-key type. I typically do things in a big way, believing that bigger is better, but there is such a thing as going too far. I know what you're saying, "but Kerry, where do I draw the line?"
I'd say this would be a good start:
This look comes courtesy of Captain Obvious, Mr. T-Pain.
Why yes, that is a big ass chain.
It shows off T-Pain's grill and tattoos rather nicely, especially the "Nappy Boy" tat. But, as my homeboy, Tim Gunn would say, this is a lotta look.
Personally, when I wear my Big Ass Chain, I make sure I'm not wearing a shirt with a logo or slogan on it — it's just distracting.
And what's with the cowboy hat? I'd love to hear a duet with Kenny Rogers — on second thought, I want T-Pain and Dolly Parton to record "Islands In the Stream" for this generation. I've always thought what was missing from the original version was the auto-tune flava T-Pain could bring.
People, we can make this happen. I'm going to head an email petition for the duet of the century. It's a fairly new century, so odds are good that it would be the duet of the century.
I just thought I'd point out the T-Pain appears to also be rocking a mullet.
While I do appreciate his sense of humor, if you have to hold up your chain with both hands, maybe it is a wee bit too big.
I'm just saying.
I know many of my readers aren't big jewelry wearers, other than the wedding band and a pair of earrings, and that's just my male readers. Ba dum bum! Tip your waitresses, I'll be here all week. Anybling, maybe you wouldn't go for the Big Ass Chain and you're more concerned with the subtlety of your clothing. Certainly I can understand this. Obviously, people look to me for fashion advice, as I am quite the trendsetter. Clogs? Please, I was wearing clogs in 10th grade — that was 1990, people. I'm talking wooden and suede clogs. Hot pink. Hell yeah. Fell down the stairs in them and still wore them to school 'cause I was a trendsetter. You think the "emo" look is something new? Ha. I wore black for two years back in the day and dyed my hair to match. Emo ain't new. You know what is kind of new? The angry look.
I'm not talking about the stupid skulls. I'm so over the skulls. And skulls with bows. And skulls that are Hello Kitty.
I'm talking about really angry.
Like I'm so angry I'm going to unleash my inner killer gorilla on you.
I don't know where Rihanna was going in this dress, under her umbrella, no less — but I'd like to think she was going to fight a parking ticket or maybe to her IRS audit. That's when an angry gorilla dress would come in handy. That's when I wear mine.
Call me crazy (wouldn't be the first time), but is the gorilla's mouth kind of, oh, I don't know, in an odd place? It seems to be screaming "don't go near my vajayjay!" Which, come to think of it — nah, I'm not going to say it.
Rihanna also picked an odd necklace to wear with the angry gorilla dress. Kinda looks like the gorilla has a halo on, which is sending a mixed message. Angry gorilla or gorilla of hope and light? If I had a nickel for every time I've had to say that. Pick an emotion and go with it.
And the yellow umbrella screams "happy." Rihanna, you confuse me. You are a question wrapped up in an enigma in an angry gorilla dress.
Did we learn something today? Less is more. Unless you're a gorilla, then subtlety is lost on you.
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