CNN’s 10 “secrets” you shouldn’t keep from your doc

I'm not sure why I find CNN's practical advice stories so funny about what not to do in certain situations.  Well, maybe for starters they tell you what not to do, instead of advising you what to do in the first place.  CNN loves to give us advice because there is obviously no real news to report (sarcasm, people) and as everyone knows, it's fun to tell people what they're doing wrong.

So, I thought I'd take CNN's numbered things you shouldn't hide from your doctor, but as usual,
rejecting their reality and substituting my own.  Once again, CNN's words are ittalicized and the words
following the colons are mine, not CNN's (got that lawyer boys?  don't
sue me).  And I'm obviously not a doctor, but I watch Grey's Anatomy and House, so I'm practically board certified or certifiable, something like that.  Whatevs. 

From finances to sex, bathroom habits to spousal relationships,
herbs to illicit drugs, here are 10 things about which you should
always be open with your doctor.

Don't hide from your doctor the fact that you:

1. Smoke, drink excessively, do illegal drugs

Yeah, you'd better tell your doc if you're a crack whore or if you enjoy a 3 martini lunch, happy hour, and a nightcap everyday.  Of course your "excessive" might be my "moderate," so this could get touchy.  As for me, I have doctor appointments for the next two Tuesdays and I'm going to tell my doctors I plan to start drinking. 

2. Have peeing or pooping issues

Don't play around with those issues.  Fortunately you can't die of embarrassment.

3. Take herbs

Oh hell no.  Are people still taking herbs?  I thought that was a fad.  People, the only herbs you should be using are found in your local grocery store and are called INGREDIENTS.  I took cinnamon tablets a few years ago because I heard it helped you lose weight.  The only thing it helped me lose was $20.

4. See a chiropractor or an alternative healer

It's a good idea to keep your doctors informed of your visits to the chiropractor if they don't know about that.  Better to keep all your healthcare providers in the know.  You might want to mention those visits to the voodoo queen in the French Quarter and the medicine man too, but your doc may be tipped off by the necklace with the chicken foot you're wearing and the odor of clove and hippopatamus musk about you.

5. Are having financial troubles

If you're broke and can't afford lots of tests, tell your doc.  If you have sucky insurance or a super high deductable let your doctor know.  If you've spent all your money on crack, booze, and voodoo healing you might want to mention that as well. 

6. Want cheap medicine

By all means, if there is a cheaper drug that will do the same thing, ask for it.  It's okay to be cheap sometimes.  Now, don't tell your doctor I said that when you're sitting in the exam room when you've got your Christian-Louboutin-feet in stirrups with your Louis Vuitton in your lap.  Don't be tacky. 

7. Feel depressed or anxious or stressed out

There is a big difference between a little everyday stress and dropping your basket.  I don't want to hear about you on the news, like my grandfather says.  I've had family members on the news, that's why I told my doc about my anxiety.  Remind me to tell y'all about my dad's stories from the family reunion I didn't go to (read: will never go to).  One part involves the aunt that gave us Crown Royal bags full of change for Christmas, so you know it's a good story.

8. Defied the doctor's orders

Damn.  If you aren't doing what your doctor tells you to do — just do what your doctor tells you to do.  He or she went through a lot of learnin' to be able to tell you about your health and what is best for you.  You read WebMD and the health section of Cosmo.  It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out who knows some stuff (hint: it's not you — unless you are a doctor, and no "Dr. Feelgood" doesn't count). 

9. Don't exercise and eat badly

I haven't lost any weight since my last doctor visits, so I'm pretty sure my diet of champions and Olympic athlete-trained bod will tip my docs off to the obvious. 

10. Have a small problem you think is unimportant

Some small things aren't so small.  And ignoring medical conditions won't make them go away.  Once I ignored symptoms of asthma until I was thisclose from being admitted to a hospital in Georgia.  Being really sick isn't fun. 

Here's my favorite part of the article:

So
how do you get the guts to admit these things to your doctor? "You can
just say to the doctor, 'Hey, this is embarrassing for me to talk
about. This is hard for me. This is a taboo topic,' " Rackner suggests.

Another option: Tell the nurse, if you feel like you connect with her better.

A third idea: "If your doctor does e-mail, try that, or just write a
note," says Rackner. "Some people do better writing things than saying
them."

It's the last line that I love, the third idea.  I'm going to bring a note along with me to the gynecologist that says "Dr. B — am I a good candidate for a booby reduction?  Circle yes or no.  xxxooo, Kerry" 

I love the written word and I'm excellent at making a fool out of myself, so I think this is a great plan.  I'm a communication junkie; I wish we had email and text messaging when I was young and stupid (it would have made getting rejected and rejecting others much faster than writing notes and passing them in class or waiting until you got home to call someone.)  I'm thinking of brining a dry-erase board with me to communicate with my doctors– heck, you never know when you may need to draw a diagram or something.