open letter to SJP

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

Can I call you SJP?  Good.  SJP, I feel like I know you — I know you don't know me, but I know you because I've grown up with you, via the television greatness known as Square Pegs and the film masterpiece Girls Just Want to Have Fun.  I've kept up with you through the years and being BFFs in my head the way we are, I can't help but feel it's time to have an intervention.  I'm calling your friends Helen Hunt and Shannen Doherty from Girls Just Want to Have Fun and along with your hubs, we're going to get things right with you.  About what?  Have you not seen the photographs?  Well, I was going to leave the evidence for the intervention, but you've forced my hand.  Go ahead and look. 

Do you see it?  Come on, SJP.  You know it's there.  You have a bad case of over-topping and side-boob. 

I know, I know.  It's the dress — no, it's not.  It's the boobs.  You've managed to put on a dress than serves as a boob-tray and go to the Oscars.  You know the dress looked like that before you left the hotel.  Not only do you look half an inch away from a wardrobe malfunction, you're boobs look like they're fighting and running in seperate directions.  When you're boobs look like they've had an argument, it's far from being a good thing. 

In the second pic, Matthew looks like he's about to break into everyone's favorite Broadway number "Hello Booby."   Lord only knows what painful undergarments you were wearing to boost those babies up and make them look fake.  I don't think they are, but they're looking it.  SJP, there was simply not enough fabric in the bodice of that dress.  I know a thing or two about boobs.  I have two of them, I've had them since fourth grade — I am an authority on the subject.  We've all had bad boob moments.  Lord knows I've inadvertantly flashed more people than I care to admit, but SJP, you have people. 

You have a stylist and a team of people who are paid to make you look good and make sure the girls are in place.  The girls did not behave.  I've never been so lucky as to have a team of people to help me get ready for an event, but I have had good friends to point out bad boob moments.  Once before a casino night in college, I put on a dress I'd worn before, a great black dress from Pier 1 (when Pier 1 carried clothing back in the day — man, that was awesome) which had an empire waist in the front, a deep scoop neckline, and was more fitted in the back — it was pretty cool.  Unfortunately, I had the wrong bra and I would have flashed everyone all night, so I did what any girl would do in the situation, I wore the dress backward.  And it looked great.  And no one knew I had the dress on backward.  And my boobs didn't fall out for everyone on campus to see.  True story.  Ask Kim, she will tell you (and she'll also tell you how her boyfriend Cody complimented me on my shoes that she said were ugly and didn't acknowledge how bangin' she looked, so she broke up with him.  Okay, so that wasn't the reason she broke up with him, but it was the last straw).

So, SJP, consider this your intervention.  Also, watch the final scene of your best work to date and remember the good old days before the Oscars when everything could be solved with a dance-off. 

xxxooo,
Kerry