What the hell Friday: all the news that’s sh*t

Edit:  If you're not in the mood for a semi-rant, just scroll to the bottom for some good 'ole Kerry Blog fun.

I'm sorry for the expletive, but I've been cursing more than usual and I blame the news.  Today's topic title comes from the idea behind the New York Times masthead and their slogan "all the news that's fit to print" which Rolling Stone changed to "all the news that fits" for the debut of the magazine in 1967.  But now, all the news that's sh*t seems to be a better phrase. 

This is a painful topic for me, being a news junkie and all.  I've loved all things journalism since I was 11 or so and I tend to soak up as much information as I can, via print, television, and the interwebs as a rule.  I took journalism for five years in high school, yes five (that's a whole 'nother post), and the only reason I didn't go into journalism in college is because I wanted to write fiction, not straight news.  But I did love my time writing for the Byrd high school newspaper and The Shreveport Times, I learned a lot and was in my element, at least one of them anyway.  But that's when news was news.

I have a beef with the media these days.  I guess I should restate that: I have a beef with the news media, our trusted news sources, the Big 3, the CNNs, and the local stations, too.  Why?  Here's why:

As I write this, at 1:40 CST, these are the top headlines on the CNN homepage:

• Pay cap proposed for Wall Street 'idiots' document.write(cnnRenderTimeStamp(1233342645847));27 min
• Giuliani: Fat cat bonuses help keep NYC afloat
• Brown: Not the time for Wall Street bonuses document.write(cnnRenderTimeStamp(1233281127637));
• CNNMoney: Task force will assess middle-class
• Deadly storm blamed for massive outages
• Jason & Jared's Capitol Hill venture | Video
• Alaska volcano appears ready to blow document.write(cnnRenderTimeStamp(1233318403846));
• Haggard explains his sexual preference
• Ticker: Big surprise in race to lead GOP
• Octuplets mom has 6 other children document.write(cnnRenderTimeStamp(1233303449987));
• KTXA: 14 hospitalized in carbon monoxide leak
• Obama girl look-alike model in spotlight document.write(cnnRenderTimeStamp(1233326641059));
• iReport.com: Can you eat well for under $10?
• 'Stuff White People Like'
• Libraries in suspense over lead regulations
• Pole dancers spice up school program
• Burglars break into Amy Winehouse's home document.write(cnnRenderTimeStamp(1233336368976));
• 'Mittens' the cat hits slopes on sled
• CNN Wire: Kentucky battered by winter storm

Let's examine this, shall we?  Disgraced minister Teg Haggard sexual preference is not news.  I don't care if it's sex with both teams of whoever the hell is in the Super Bowl or their mascots, it's not news.  It's just not. 

Neither is the crazy woman who has had octuplets.  Why?  Because she has 6 children at home and went through fertility treatments to have the new babies.  That's not news.  I know I'm going to get flack for this, but because I'm riled up already, I don't care.  Here's my view:  just because you CAN have babies doesn't mean you SHOULD.  The smallest baby was 1.8 lbs.  What kind of problems do you expect these babies to have?  And the woman lives with her parents, no mention of the father.  At best this is a story for the Health section, under ethics (and no, I'm not a medical expert, but I do have common sense). 

No, the Obama girl look-alike is not news.  Please.

Neither is Stuff White People Like, although it is a funny website. 

Eating well for under 10 bucks is a Living story. 

Pole dancers?!  Pole freaking dancers?!  Is CNN just trying to tick me off or what?  This is so not news.  Not effing news.  No effing way.  You know what would be news?  If I were a pole dancer. 

Amy Winehouse's house being burglarized?  What were they after, her crack pipe?  Not news.  Not unless they broke in and found shiny ass unicorns dancing the can-can with Amy's wig. 

Mittens the cat — now CNN is mocking me.  This is Star Magazine stuff.

Do you see what I mean?  Does anyone remember that we're in a recession, a war, massive debt, environmental crisis — just to name a few?  I know those subjects aren't fun, but that's what news is.  News is serious business, you know news is serious because newscasters wear suits.  Suits are for serious situations.  Frivilous stories belong in entertainment and silly blogs and things.  Mittens the cat should be on FUPenguin.  Amy Winehouse belongs on TMZ.  The Obama girl look-alike, who cares?   To be fair, the Obama thing is a Feature and should appear in Living, nowhere near the CNN top stories.  These things should be tucked at the bottom in the categories in which they belong.

I don't know what happened to reporting serious news.  I miss Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw. 

In case you're thinking it's just CNN and to show both sides, here's the top FOX News stories at 2:58 CST:

Now, the Kerry Blog is anything but Fair and Balanced, so I'm calling FOX out — y'all ain't reporting the news either!  Yeah, I said it.  The politicians' signatures, sister attacking the bride, Drew Peterson's fiancee, and Amy Crackhouse  — not the news, not even close. 

Just for fun, and because I'm in a mood, here's the news story of the day that I'm making up off the top of my head, because that's where I keep my bestest ideas. 

BREAKING NEWS:

SPACE HOOKERS HAVE LANDED, OBAMA DEFERS TO BILL CLINTON

Reports are coming in from the MId-West of Space Hookers landing in cornfields.  President Obama has deferred to former President Bill Clinton on this issue, citing the current economic crisis and Clinton's accomplishments  in diplomatic affairs. 

When contacted for a comment, former President Bush said, "there's hookers in space?  DAAYUUUM!"

Please stay with KBN the Kerry Blog Network for further developments .  We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. 

The photo comes courtesy of plaidstallions.com (my current obsession) and I made the Breaking News pic on icanhascheeseburgers.com.