There are things in this world that keep me up at night and I thought maybe if I put wrote some of them down I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I’ve had insomnia off and on since I was a teen and although I’ve seen a lot of great cable tv (shout out to 120 minutes on MTV) and infomercials over the years, I would prefer sleep over most of them. Most. Except maybe the Shark Steamer. I had to get one after I saw that thing get junk off the floor Dude, it got dried-up grape jelly off the kitchen tile. I’m a sucker for cleaning products and other things. And there are a few infomercials that crack me up, the Craft Lite Cutter shows just how difficult it is to cut a straight line. I never knew what a problem it was to cut things without the aid of light, as I do not commonly craft in the dark. I think maybe the Craft Lite Cutter is made for crafty vampires who have to scrapbook at night. They scrapbook, you know, vampires. It’s calming, kind of like knitting. Ask Anne Rice. See, that’s the kind of stuff that keeps me awake. Here’s something that’s been bothering me lately, maybe you can relate, probably not, but we’ll see:
I often contemplate how I could work into conversation with the McDonald’s drive-thru chick in the mere moments I have while she’s giving me back change for a happy meal that maybe she should move to another position at Mickey D’s. The big “Bitch” tattoo with swirlies around it on her neck is a little off-putting to customers. Just a little. And it’s only a matter of time before Katie asks what b-i-t-c-h spells. Not that she hasn’t heard it when I’ve stubbed my toe or tripped on the stairs, because I am, by nature clumsy as hell. Call me old-fashioned though, I don’t do tattoos. But if I were to get tattooed (and considering I don’t drink, that’s not going to happen), I’d get this:
I looked up “bad ass” in the dictionary and it read: Patrick Swayze and centaurs. So there you go. Oh, and I just like rainbows. They’re pretty.
Other things that keep me awake are less worrisome. The whole Halloween costume thing has me up tonight, looking for the perfect costume online. The girls are going to be fairies and Andrew’s going to be Peter Pan, so I want to coordinate. So, I asked Scott if I could get him the Captain Hook costume and he said no. He wants to wear the Fred Flintstone costume I made for him years ago. That doesn’t go with Peter Pan. And am I supposed to be Wilma? I know I have red hair, but come on. Really. That’s not going to happen. Plus, I’m more of a Betty than Wilma. Everyone knows that.
Damn, it’s after midnight. This stuff kept me up anyway. There’s no hope. If anyone’s reading this and you’re up late, well, go to sleep. I wish you the sweetest of dreams. Dreams of rainbows and cotton candy and Patrick Swayze riding a unicorn through a field of lavender to the tune of “She’s Like the Wind” from Dirty Dancing being played by Zamfir on his pan flute, who is also riding a unicorn. And the whole thing is being painted by Bob Ross, who is painting little happy trees behind Patrick Swayze with chocolate waterfalls and intertwining rainbows of happiness and joy and love. nighty night, peeps.
kerryfaler.blog 
You need ambien. But, then the rest of us would be poorer for it because we wouldn’t have as much to read.
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Thanks, Syralja. The hubs thinks the happy pills are enough, frankly. I’m thinking I’ll sleep after the kids are in college. By the time Andrew’s in college I’ll be old and old people don’t need as much sleep, so I should be fine.
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Do you take the happy pills in the pm? Some of them (mine, in fact) can keep you awake if you take them too late in the day.
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I think I need to consult a physician or at least watch more Grey’s Anatomy. My doc gave me no instructions and another medicated friend told me not to take them at night, so I try not to. I’m so we can talk about my mental health on the blog, my life is such the proverbial open book. Anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, OCD, irrational fear of owls, it’s all there.
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where in the hell did you find the tattoo of ps on a friggin unicorn? no really. that bothers me. you know, ive often thought of what my next tattoo would be, and now i know of one i can scratch off my list. how do you explain that one to friends? i think one would have to be more than just drunk to have that bad boy etched into your skin for life. i guess i’ll have to ask the person who has it, if i ever come across him/her……
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Mel, I’ve designed your next tattoo. It’s Shearn flying on a magic hamburger over the side door of Times with a sign that says “use other entERance.” Beautiful.
On another note: am I the only one of our friends who doesn’t have a tattoo? I’m thinking tattoos in Birmingham!!! Or not.
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Sweet!!!! Hold up… AB and M have tats? Shut up! We’d better start off with the fake one for you…. im gonna start looking now. All we need is a wet rag to apply and some “cold cream” to remove. Remember that stuff??
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You know it! M has a tat, I doubt AB does. I’m going to get a big fake one for the trip. I haven’t heard the words “cold cream” since my Mammaw was alive, let’s bring it back. I’m going to work “cold cream” into random conversations this week just for fun.
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NO A.B. does not have one, but has always wanted one!! But having the OCD that I have I just about went crazy with the Flowers on my toenails. Had to get those OFF!! Sorry, just now catching up on the blog.
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Ummm, M has a tat? Spock?
Instead of a map I think y’all need a GPS surgically implanted under your skin. There you go a tat of a compass. Points straight to Turkey Creek Water Park.
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