I love my friends. I love them even more when they call and tell me a website I have to visit and laugh at.
Interwebs friends, I give you the pet lodge and day spa of your dog’s dreams. Willows Oak in Madisonville. A friend of mine is looking for a kennel for her doggies while the family is on vacation, but I don’t think this is what she’s looking for.
If you only want the best for your pooch maybe you’d like her to stay in the Deluxe Cabana with a TV:
“Our Cabanas consist of 6’X5′ of living space in an indoor climate controlled area. Your Pet can enjoy a variety of Disney Movies played throughout the day and enjoy the privacy of their personal cabana living space. Our TV’s help in providing a truly home-like enviroment.”
I’m pretty sure that’s the fake ficus I threw out when we moved into our house. Guess doggies don’t mind if it’s fake. And really, a flat panel tv? Really? You think they play Aristocats, Lady & the Tramp, 101 Dalmations, & All Dogs Go to Heaven? My dog only enjoys Disney movies, don’t show her any Dreamworks flicks or she may bite. She’s an animation connoisseur.
Let’s move on. What if you have a cat, what does the spa offer our kitty friends?
“Cats can also enjoy additional 20 min personalized playtime sessions which
includes a kitty tower, dome tent, zanie toys and furry toy mice. Or your cat
may prefer to be cuddled, brushed or massaged.”
It’s $4 extra for the extra 20 minutes of playtime. I’m so in the wrong business.
The spa is what is the selling point of this place.
“Teeth Brushing: Does your pet have less than appealing breath? This service
is not an alternative to a dental performed by a trained veterinarian, but
regular teeth brushing can aid in reducing tartar and unappealing bad breath.
$7.00″ No, I just give my dog Altoids and Orbit gum.
“Massage: Pet massage has been shown to improve health, enhance bonding and
provide pure enjoyment for your pet. This relaxing and therapeutic session
consists of a 20 minute massage therapy session in a relaxing environment.$7.00 per session” Here’s my question: how the hell would you really know if your dog had a massage? It’s not like they’re going to tell you. Do dogs even like massage? I don’t know.“Pet Aromatherapy: Our aromatherapy sessions offer natural pet care
aromatherapy blends combined for your dog using high quality essential oils &
infusions.” Oh, hell no. My dog likes to sniff other dog’s derrieres. Do you really think she cares about aromatherapy? Do they have Scent of Dachshund Butt as an option?“We offer 4 essential oil blends:
Relax Time: A calming blend of aromatic oils designed to ease doggie
anxieties & hyperactivity.Refresh: An aromatherapy blend designed to refresh & invigorate your
pet.Skin Soother: A soothing combination which eases inflamed, itchy skin.
Arthritis Relief: A formula blended to ease doggie arthritis & achy bones.”
They don’t offer any blend my dog would appreciate. Fortunately, I am here to help with Lucy’s future essential oil blends for the LRP: less refined pooch. Maybe your dog would relax to the scent of Dog Booty, Smelly Garbage, Kitty’s Litter Box, Diaper Pail, Toilet Water (actual toilet water, not the fancy stuff from the perfume counter), and Lucy’s favorite, Face of 3 Year-Old Boy. Those are all scents endorsed by my own Lucy the basset hound (actual dog experience may vary).
I could go on, but it’s time for Lucy to watch the Pink Panther, she likes the high-brow old-school animation the Boomerang channel has to offer. I also have to paint her nails and cook her filet mignon and lobster tail for dinner.
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